I’m convinced that this one skill can make all the difference in a couple’s sexual relationship. Though it may not come naturally, it’s a game changer when we can learn to do this openly, with a receptive heart, and without shame.
Here it is:
TALK HONESTLY ABOUT SEX WITHOUT SHAME OR DISCOURAGEMENT.
As a wife, it can make all the difference when you:
- Tell him what pleases you.
- Tell him what hurts or is uncomfortable.
- Tell him what you’re thankful for.
- Tell him what you like.
Let him hear from the wife of his youth!
Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
#1- IF YOU LIKE IT, SAY SO!
Letting your man hear from you about what he does that thrills you is not only likely to be a huge turn-on for him, but it’s also a significant way that he can learn about *you* and what pleases you. If there’s something you like, make that clear.
If this is difficult for you, let me gently prod you to examine what you’re believing about your body and about the marriage bed.
- Do you really believe that it is good and that God is delighted by the unity of a husband and wife? (And that that includes YOUR unity with YOUR husband?)
- Have you considered that God made every part of your body, including the sexual ones, and called His creation of the human body “good”?
- Are you approaching your interactions with your husband with the foundational belief that sex in marriage is a wonderful thing?
Did you know that that passage up there (Proverbs 5) is the only time anyone is ever commanded in the Bible to “be intoxicated”? God made sex to be intoxicating, and He wants sexual intimacy to be a perpetual delight between a husband and wife.
Believing that sex is GOOD and that parts of your body are custom-made by God for pleasure within the covenant of marriage can free you to SPEAK UP with confidence and kindness in order to help your husband learn what feels best for you. It is not wrong; no, rather– it is right to strive for both husband and wife to be delighted about what happens within the sexual relationship.
#2- IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, SAY SO… CAREFULLY.
“Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” ~Ephesians 4:25
Part of being married is talking through NOT ONLY fun and chipper things. It means that together we talk about things like:
- figuring out how to pay the bill you don’t currently have enough money to pay,
- how to deal with the dog that’s been pooping on the downstairs carpet and you can’t figure out why he suddenly started doing it,
- who’s going to sleep where when the toddler’s up all night with sickness,
- how to handle the new attitude cropping up from your 4 year old
- and yes, I think it should include careful, specific conversations when something happens sexually that you don’t like.
Sometimes that will happen at the time. If something hurts, say so right at the moment! We don’t want to hurt the people we love, and thus, your husband should be eager to know if something hurts. If something doesn’t feel right, go ahead and speak up. This is particularly going to need to be the case early on in a marriage, and in the early post-partum phase after each baby as you’re getting used to being together again.
Sometimes, you may need time to think on it. Perhaps it didn’t hurt, per se, but it caused discomfort afterward. Or maybe you tried something new and it caused convictional discomfort. Or perhaps you’ve got a burning question based on something that happened while making love. After collecting your thoughts, bring them to your husband. Find a time that works for you both where you can be honest, and jump in. Try to do so in a way that’s talking about “it” — making love– rather than personal (and may feel like an attack). Finding things to affirm about what IS going well can soften the sting, but don’t hide what you’re really experiencing just to “be nice.”
Sometimes it may look like making a simple request. Can you clip your nails shorter (or trim your beard, or take a shower, or _____________) before we make love again?
Sometimes it can mean a long discussion. Is there something you’re scared about? Or something you did together that triggered an old hurt, sin, or memory in your life? Or a major convictional disagreement that’s troubling you (could be a “gray area” sexual practice you’re not on the same page about, or birth control, or any number of things)? Or perhaps there’s a physical issue going on (commonly: pain/dryness/lack of desire for her, difficulty staying aroused for him)?
Let me encourage you– even though it’s tricky, and it can feel easier to just not talk about it– MAKE TIME to talk and work through these things.
#3- IF YOU WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW, SAY SO!
Perhaps you’re a-OK with how things are going in your sexual relationship, and if so, GREAT!
But if you’re not enjoying things, perhaps your intimacy needs a little shake-up to make it something you both can enjoy again. Consider if there are books that might help you to sort out convictions or find solutions to any physical challenges you might have. Perhaps it’s a matter of trying a few different positions to find the way things feel best (this can particularly be the case with body changes after babies), or changing the frequency or time of day you connect with your husband… whatever the case, if there’s something you’re wanting to change about your sexual relationship, say so!
One thing that is true about all of us, but we rarely think about, is this: you’re not promised any days beyond today. On the other hand, depending on how old you are, you could have another number of decades left together.
Either way, the conversations you have now could bless your marital intimacy for all the days you have left together.
If there are changes that need to be made, work to make them happen. You can make time soon to connect and talk with your man, and make it a priority to grow in this area.
#4- LET HIM HEAR YOU WHILE YOU’RE MAKING LOVE
For some of you, this might be nothing new… but for others, perhaps you’re timid or quiet during times of intimacy. Consider how you might bless your husband by verbally encouraging him through the things you say while making love.
This could mean actually saying affirming words (“I like that. That’s nice. Wow. That feels amazing.” Etc. I’m not going to elaborate more than this, LOL, but there are plenty more things you could say that would thrill and please him), or it could mean noises that encourage the things that feel the nicest.
Let freedom and unveiled truth be the banner over your sexual relationship.
Whatever the situation you’re dealing with, I want to encourage you to TALK WITH YOUR MAN!
If something’s keeping you from intimacy, or making it difficult for you to get in the mood, find the kindest way to tell him, but TELL HIM. Don’t stay silent and think you’re doing him any favors. Your intimacy and your marriage — AND YOUR HUSBAND– will benefit from your honesty.
You do NOT want to be the couple that gets 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades down the road… and still hasn’t worked through something.
And if you ARE that couple ^^^^^ (3 months, 3 years, 3 decades down the road), it’s never too soon to jump in and TRY.
If you need an opener, use this article. “So I was reading an article today and it challenged me to think that we’ve never really gotten comfortable with talking openly about sex.” And then jump in and be willing to share what you’re thinking.
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