Make Love: Best Resources for Christian Wives about Sex

Make Love: Best Resources for Christian Wives About Sex // jessconnell.com

I enjoy talking about and reading and learning about sexual intimacy for several reasons:

  1. Being naked and not ashamed together is part of what God created and called “good” even before the Fall. It is good, and as a Bible-believing Christian, I want to do my part to encourage other Christian wives to see it rightly, as a good gift from God.
  2. For years it was so rarely discussed in the church that Christians have been thought prudish. Conversely, our culture deals with it in a careless, flippant way. I work to find a place of balance, talk about it respectfully, circumspectly, and helpfully, and thus benefit and bless the Body of Christ. Through prudent, Scripture-centered discussion, I want to help both married and single believers to have a more biblical perspective on sexuality.
  3. This is an area that I personally had to grow in, as part of becoming a submitted disciple of Jesus. Working through my own sinful and sinned-against experiences in this area of sexuality formed part of my early experiences of learning to submit to Christ’s Lordship and truly understanding His grace, forgiveness, and love for me.

For these reasons, and probably more, I write about sex from time to time. While it is probably impossible to address this topic without offending someone, I try to do so openly and yet in a biblically respectful way. 

Today, I want to share with you my favorite resources. They’ve helped me. They’ve helped me help others. They’ve helped me understand the both the physiology of sex as well as the soul-level things God has built into sex. This is an area where I still am growing in my understanding.

CHECK YOUR FOUNDATION:

If you only have time to read one thing, let it be this. 

If any Christian adult, man or woman, asked me for the most helpful article about sex, I would point them here:

  • THE MEANING OF SEX by Jonathan Leeman — It’s long, but it is a very thoughtful presentation of a biblical, Christian understanding of why God made sex, and a helpful drawing out of many of the lessons and blessings of marital intimacy. This is a foundational piece that can help provide a good framework for thinking biblically about sex.

If I was asked about the most helpful video teaching about sex, I would point them here:

  • MARRIAGE IN GOSPEL FOCUS – I LOVE this WONDERFUL talk by Tim & Kathy Keller (I recommend each of their parts for any Christian to hear!) — This talk touches on culture & its relationship to sex, underlying beliefs of our culture, gender roles within marriage, and how the Bible & specifically the Gospel can help resolve culturally harmful ideas about sex. [Their talk is based on this book.]

Here are some other articles about sexual intimacy that I’ve found helpful over the years:

SORTING OUT CONVICTIONS:

  • What’s NOT Okay in Bed? — this delves into some of the questions and helpful ways of thinking about the “gray areas” you’ll encounter as you and your husband decide what you will and won’t enjoy together as part of your lovemaking times. While you may not agree with all of it, I believe it would help any couple by offering some questions and guidelines for considering areas that aren’t clearly spelled out as “good” or “bad” in the pages of Scripture. Takeaway principle: BRING YOUR MARITAL PRACTICES TO THE BIBLE FOR CLARITY OF CONVICTION & CONSCIENCE.
  • Beware the Pornification of the Marriage Bed— This is the first article in a helpful series from Tim Challies about keeping the marriage bed free from degradation. Instead of the self-focused sexuality of our culture, God intended us to enjoy an other-focused sexuality within marriage. Takeaway principle: BIBLICAL SEX HAPPENS WITHIN MARRIAGE, & IS FOCUSED ON THE PLEASURE OF THE OTHER PERSON.
  • AskPastorJohn: Is Oral Sex OK? — This is Pastor John Piper’s answer (both text and audio) to a common question. Takeaway principle: SEX IN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE IS GOVERNED BY CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES, HIGHEST OF WHICH IS AN OVERWHELMING LOVE THAT SEEKS THE JOY AND PLEASURE OF THE OTHER PERSON (which can mean different answers to this question for different marriages).

COMMON PROBLEMS

  • Hormones, Breastfeeding, Pregnancy & Menopausekeeping sex alive when your hormones are out of whack
  • AskPastorJohn: My Spouse Doesn’t Enjoy Sex— Sometimes desire is a problem for husbands, and sometimes a problem for wives… no matter whether you’re the spouse who wants it more or less, this can be a difficult, but common, challenge within marriage. This audio teaching from John Piper could be helpful for any couple sorting out differing desires/sexual drives.
  • Does God Like Men Better? Why It’s Hard for Women to Reach Orgasm— A common issue among women, and Sheila gives some matter-of-fact advice and raw data about this challenging (but surmountable!) difficulty many couples face.
  • When Past Sexual Sin Haunts Your Wedding— Another AskPastorJohn topic that’s very relevant for couples today. Not just for newlyweds, this article addresses the attitude ANY of us should have toward past sexual sin and how we can resolve to keep our marriage bed pure and undefiled before God.
  • 10 Ways to Get Turned On By Your Husband Again— I occasionally get questions about this. Our culture acts as if sexual desire is something that, once gone, can’t be rekindled, but that’s simply not true. Sheila’s ideas are good ones and may get your mind flowing in helpful ways that will bring the spark back to your sexual relationship with your husband.

Recommended books about sex, for Christian wives:

  • A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy—  by Douglas Rosenau — this is the best overall technical book about sex that we’ve found. We often share this book with newlyweds, as it has good overviews of sexual intimacy as well as helpful details and suggestions for trouble-shooting.
  • The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment— by Clifford & Joyce Penner — This book has great overall information, but I particularly appreciate the Penners’ wise approach to discussing sexual intimacy. In all of their books on the topic of sex, I am impressed with their biblical perspective, as well as the detail and clarity they provide in addressing sensitive issues.
  • Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex— by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus — From the cover: “The world has desecrated God’s beautiful gift of sex. What He made pure, the world putrefied. What He made sacred, the world made sleazy. What the world did was wrong, but a wife is just as wrong if she allows the world’s desecration to keep her from embracing the beauty of God’s viewpoint.”
  • Restoring the Pleasure: Complete Step-By-Step Programs to Help Couples Overcome Sexual Barriers— by Clifford & Joyce Penner — This book is especially written to be helpful for couples struggling with difficulties in their sexual relationship. Physical issues, psychological struggles, and more are all tackled here with specificity and insight. I’ve seen details and suggestions in this book help couples overcome sexual challenges and recommend it highly.

 

(Anytime I recommend books/physical resources, if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may earn a small percentage as an affiliate. I only, ever, recommend resources with confidence and true excitement that they may be of benefit to my readers. Thank you.) 

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Jess Connell

Jesus-follower, Happy wife, Mom of 8 neat people. Former world-traveler, now settled in Washington. Host of Mom On Purpose podcast (momonpurpose.com). I write and wrangle kids.

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5 Responses

  1. Sara says:

    Amazing post!

  2. Kondwani says:

    The following talk was given at the conference of Christian doctors in the UK, encouraging us ‘to tell a better story’ – almost like you say, to find that balance between prudishness, but also making sexual purity something that is not hidden but can be discussed and can be attractive. You might find it helpful

    http://www.cmf.org.uk/media/?context=entity&id=836

  3. Kondwani says:

    Just to say – I love that blog ‘to love, honour and vacuum’ – there are times when you feel ‘more like a maid than a wife’ and simple things like tiredness just really do cause a problem. I love her pragmatic approach, even if some of her ideas sound impossible (take a long bubble bath every day, get somebody to watch the children so you can have one three hour afternoon nap every week and so on!). Thanks for selecting helpful resources on this tricky topic

  4. Madely Lang says:

    Solomon on Sex by Joseph Dillow and On the Meaning of Sex by J. Budziszewski are indispensable.

  1. January 13, 2016

    […] needs a little shake-up to make it something you both can enjoy again. Consider if there are books that might help you to sort out convictions or find solutions to any physical challenges you might have. Perhaps […]

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