Make Love: Let Him See You

Make Love: LET HIM SEE YOU // jessconnell.com

One of the reason I think we all giggled as we read through Song of Solomon as kids is because of the bold and unabashed plainness of it all. Breasts are called breasts; thighs are thighs– it’s all so exposed.

NAKED AND UNSHAMED

They are, in the words of Genesis, “naked and unashamed.” There’s no hiding or masking of what’s happening as they admire one another. The book is about their anticipation of marriage, and then, once married, about their covenantal intimacy. As the lovers uncover, discover, and delight in one another, the entangling of bodies is clearly related to their covenantal entangling of souls. Their sexual interactions are a physical expression of the unifying of their hearts.

That in itself is baffling to the average American junior high kid who has been taught through the lens of movies and television that the best sexual interactions are tawdry and illicit, stolen in secret moments, hidden in the dark. Instead of sex as described in Song of Solomon, we’re most used to seeing it as something sneakily used as a litmus test to rate someone else, and, perhaps eventually, to see if you WANT to commit.

Our modern world has boiled sexuality down to the very opposite of what it is meant to be.

Instead of a big-reveal of “naked and not ashamed,” our society does the opposite. Beginning at the very earliest moments of prepubescence, we flirt with the edges, pushing them back-back-back-back-back until there is nothing left that is unique or special about marriage. Kisses? Experienced. Nakedness? Known. Touches and Embraces? Felt. Sex? Had. Sharing a bed and home? Done.

Our society does most of this not just with people they’re not married to, but even, often, with complete strangers hidden in the dark places of the internet.

THE MEANING OF NAKEDNESS

Marriage is meant to be a completely safe place for enjoyment and mutual protection where this risky thing of complete self-revelation suddenly becomes not just acceptable, but GOOD. Instead, American culture has a fixation on revealing ourselves outside of the incredibly rich and satisfying boundaries that God has set.

So I think this leads to a significant misunderstanding of nakedness for many Christians.

God intends is for this physical nakedeness of marriage to be a symbol of all other “nakedness–” no longer are we two separate people.

Nakedness is meant to say:

What’s mine is yours. Domestically. Relationally. Financially. Emotionally. Spiritually. And Sexually. We have joined our lives together and now stand naked and not ashamed before one another. I will not hide from you; I will not mask myself or attempt to conceal what I am or what I have. My flaws and vulnerable places are laid open and bare before you. I am yours; You are mine.

(For a larger understanding of this, check out this great video of Pastor Tim Keller talking about the larger meaning of nakedness.) 

Between the lovers of Song of Solomon, there is this clear, unashamed, unhidden bodily admiration.

Here is where this all intersects with your daily life, wife. 

ARE YOU HIDING IN SHAME?

I fear that many wives primarily experience marital sex while shamefully hiding in the shadows.

  • Lights out
  • Hiding behind fabric and sheets
  • Hiding behind excuses and rejections
  • Masking the soul your husband has become fused with
  • And masking the body (yours) that is (according to Scripturehis. 

When we do this, we are undoing the great truths God has wrapped up in our physical nakedness. 

For clarity, I am not saying you can never wear a nightgown while making love, or that snuggling under the sheets on a winter evening is wrong. I am, however, encouraging you to consider ways in which you might be avoiding nakedness out of shame or fear. And if that is you, I want to gently nudge you, sister.

Let me urge you to do all you can to shake off the shame you have associated with sexuality.

Perhaps you have shame from:

  • molestation/abuse suffered in your childhood
  • sexual intimacy stolen in secret moments before marriage took place
  • sexual interactions with people other than your spouse
  • negative body image
  • attitudes inherited from parents or others who have influenced you to wrongly see ALL sexuality as illicit and shameful
  • other sexual sin, addictions, or perversions you’ve participated in

BRING YOUR SHAME TO JESUS

Can I just say to you?— THERE IS FREEDOM IN CHRIST, friend.

Shame is a tricky thing because it comes from so many different sources. In the area of marital intimacy, shame comes from 3 primary forms:

  • Shame from being sinned against
  • Shame from participating in sin
  • Shame from wrong attitudes/poor teaching

1- SHAME FROM BEING SINNED AGAINST

If you were:

  • taken advantage of
  • raped
  • molested
  • exposed to things
  • used as an object for the physical pleasure of another human being,

there is healing to be found in trusting what God says about you more than what others, or even what YOU, have said about you. Your heart needs to be trained to place God’s opinion (which is actually fact) above all other opinions.

This may look like getting together with a trusted friend or biblical counselor, and laying out, verse by verse, the things God speaks over you, if you are His child. Precious, dearly loved, beautiful, treasured, chosen, created, beloved.

When you lay down your own life and live in Christ, no matter what was done to you, these things are true about you. 

2- SHAME FROM PARTICIPATING IN SIN

If, instead of only the shame felt from someone sinning against you, you now carry shame because you participated in sin, that too needs to be brought into the full light of the cross. You can be made new. This is what repentance, the new birth, and a new identity in Christ is all about!

A large number of Christians live with residual shame from committing sexual sin before and/or outside of marriage. If that is you, ironically, (and sadly) that shame is now stealing the full, shame-free joy you COULD be experiencing.

In this way, sexual sin is a joy-stealer and shame-giver, LONG PAST THE TIME when the sin was committed. It lurks in the dark corners of your heart, sucking the life and joy God intends for you within the RIGHT and GOOD use of sex.

This is where a right understanding of REPENTANCE is critical.

Repentance is agreeing with God about your sin. Calling it sin. Judging it fully in your mind as sin. Repentance is not making little excuses about it or treasuring it in your heart.

REPENTANCE FROM SEXUAL SIN IS NOT:

  • thinking back on sexual sin with a smile
  • calling past sin of any sort “good” in any way
  • still being glad you “played the field” before marriage so you were experienced and wiser
  • letting sexual memories wistfully come to your mind as if they are still desirable
  • looking at past sexual sin with anything other than abhorrence and a desire to never do it again

REPENTANCE FROM SEXUAL SIN IS:

  • Moving sin from the mental file marked “illicit/fun/enjoyable/pleasurable” into the file marked “sinful/not what God has for me/wicked/abominable/abhorrent/undesirable”
  • Continually turning away from sin, whether it comes up physically, virtually (via the internet/devices), or mentally (via memories, thoughts, and images)
  • Turning away from even the physical responses to memories/thoughts/ideas by doing whatever you have to do (this is the “cut out your eye” part of obeying Christ) to help your body agree and live within with the sexual boundaries God has set for you
  • Choosing to continually agree with God about what your sin was, and rejecting that sin in any and all future choices.
  • Altering the way you think about past sin… no longer treasuring it or calling it “good” and instead re-categorizing those memories and experiences to line up with what God says about each one.
  • Turning toward Christ and the sexual boundaries he has laid out for you now, with joy and abandon (for the unmarried, that looks like sexual chastity until/unless God opens your boundary markers to include a spouse… for the married person, that looks like free enjoyment of sexual pleasure with your partner, without shame).

3- SHAME FROM WRONG ATTITUDES/TEACHING

Many women, particularly those in the 40-and-up crowd, carry baggage that comes neither from sexual sin done against them, nor from sexual sin they participated in, but from shameful attitudes surrounding sex picked up from parents, society, and (sometimes) from the church. Though common among that age group, it affects individuals across the age and gender spectrum.

Perhaps it comes in one of these forms, or from one of these messages:

  • “Sex was never talked about in our home.” Therefore, it’s sneaky and, at its root, bad.
  • “Sex is something boys want, and good girls don’t want.” Therefore, it’s a boy thing, and much to be avoided. Or, conversely, if I want it, I will carry shame and an intense sense that I am wrong for wanting it so much. (Sometimes the husband has a lower drive than his wife, and he can contribute to condemnation and shame for her by implying she is wrong to want it/ask for sex.)
  • “Good girls keep their knees together.” Therefore, if I want to please God (whose voice sounds oddly like mom’s/grandma’s) I will do it as little as possible.
  • “Sex is for the skinny, fit, and young.” Therefore, if I’m struggling with my weight, or a few months postpartum, or my body is sagging with age and use, I need to hide my body and avoid sex as much as possible.
  • “Sex is meant for having children.” So, why keep it up after we’ve had the kids we want? (Many women throw themselves wholeheartedly into the mom role at this point and all but abandon their role as wife.)
  • “Sex is a bargaining chip.” Therefore, once I’ve gotten my man, and/or gotten him over the barrel financially/socially, why keep it up? Or, if he’s sinning against me, or generally displeasing to me, I am justified in withholding it. Sex is a tool to be used for control and manipulation.
  • “Sex is worldly and wrong.” Therefore, good Christian couples don’t do it more than necessary.

When we get to the root of what we’re believing about sex, we can actually replace those lies for the truth from God’s Word.

We begin to be a disciple of Christ, even in our sexuality. 

  • We let HIS messages drown out all others.
  • We turn to HIS voice as the one that is TRUE. 
  • We let His design of it, and boundaries for it, guide our beliefs and actions.

In all of these, we trade in our shame, and take on His truth. 

Make Love: LET HIM SEE YOU // jessconnell.comWIFE, LEAVE YOUR SHAME BEHIND…

Leave behind shame in whatever form it invades your marriage.

Shame from being sinned against? Gone because of the reality of who you are in Christ. Shame from sin? Gone because of the reality of your sin being forgiven in Christ. Shame from wrong messages? Gone because of the reality that God made sex on purpose, for our good and His glory, to be freely enjoyed within marriage.

These things all would seek to rob us of the beautiful gift of marital intimacy that God means for us to enjoy together with our spouse.  

But God’s grace and beauty can shine brightly in your life if you will reject the shame you’ve taken on, and pull your marital intimacy out into the clear light of the truth of God’s Word. 

LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU

Look at the Shulammite (the bride in Song of Solomon) and the receptive, joyful way she interacts with her husband:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!” ~Song of Solomon 1:2

“I found him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go…” ~Song of Solomon 3:4

He admires her, part by part:

  • cheeks- 1:10, 4:3, 6:6
  • neck- 1:10, 4:4, 7:4
  • eyes- 1:15, 6:5, 7:4
  • as compared to others- 2:2, 6:8-9
  • hair- 4:1, 6:5, 7:5
  • teeth- 4:2, 6:6
  • lips & mouth- 4:3, 4:11, 7:9
  • breasts- 4:5, 7:3, 7:7-8
  • clothing- 4:11
  • feet- 7:1
  • thighs- 7:1
  • navel & belly- 7:2
  • nose- 7:4
  • stature- 7:7
  • scent of her breath- 7:8

According to God, inside of marriage is EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE for our bodies to be seen and for sex to be enjoyed.

“Rejoice in the wife of your youth… let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” ~Proverbs 5:18-19

With that context, let me plead with you:

LET YOUR HUSBAND SEE YOU. Let him see all of you.

Don’t waste this one life you are given.
Don’t waste your marriage.
Don’t waste your God-given sexuality. 

If you are married, God has given you an incredible gift of free enjoyment of marital intimacy. Pastor Tim Keller puts it this way:

Sex within marriage is like magic. It’s like blowing on the coals of a beautiful and powerful flame. … Sex inside marriage… becomes sweeter and more pleasurable and more powerful and more transforming as the years go by. Even when, actually, neither of you look as good as you did before, and … a lot of things that people think have to “be there” as part of sex just aren’t there when you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. And yet, it’s actually a more powerful experience…

Sex is a way of saying to another person, “I belong completely and exclusively and permanently to you.” (Listen to the 2-minute video of this entire quote here.) 

If you have been withholding yourself, avoiding sex, hiding behind excuses, or rejecting intimacy because of shame or wrong beliefs about sex or about your body, God can take the years that the locusts have eaten and give you a renewed joy, pleasure, and oneness with your spouse.

When you are naked before your husband, it speaks volumes about your willingness to let him have all of you. 

The youthful nervousness that comes along with complete bodily exposure becomes sweet when shared with a loving husband. The stretchmarks and sags that speak of changes our bodies have gone through are made beautiful when revealed without shame to the one with whom we have fused our life. The willingness to let even our wounds and scars and imperfect places be seen speaks to a larger willingness to lay even our vulnerable and unsightly places bare before the one we love.

And while these things all image realities in our marriage, in an even more dramatic way, they shadow the way we do all of these things before our God. He revels in our willingness to give him the vibrant, fever pitch unabashed praises and impassioned questions of our youth… He revels in our willingness to bring our hurts before Him and let His light shine into every place where we feel shame… and He revels in our willingness to bring even our ugliest places to His feet and let them all be seen and let Him love us in our ugliness.

FREE TO BE NAKED AND UNASHAMED

The freedom of marital nakedness is meant to image the freedom we have in coming before the King of Kings. Before King Jesus, we can stand without shame, not because our bodies are perfect, but because He sees us with eyes of love. 

May He make this true in our marriages as well.

Christian wife, make love to your husband.

And, can I urge you?, let him SEE you.

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Jess Connell

Jesus-follower, Happy wife, Mom of 8 neat people. Former world-traveler, now settled in Washington. Host of Mom On Purpose podcast (momonpurpose.com). I write and wrangle kids.

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9 Responses

  1. Holly says:

    As one who has had a long road of healing from all forms of sexual abuse, and now living in a beautiful marriage, I wonder if you are possibly writing as an outside encourager vs. having experienced such abuse. I don’t disagree with the amazingness of being naked and unashamed as the Bible describes sex in marriage. It is AWESOME. I just wanted to point out the healing each one goes through can be difficult and traumatic as they work through endured intimate tragedies and crimes. Jesus’ love on the cross covers all, and I know from experience how beautiful it really is to find that healing and protection in the shelter of His loving arms and grace.

    • Jess Connell says:

      No, I am not writing as an outsider. By God’s grace I still fight to this day to not identify myself AS my former sin, AS deserving of the things done to me, AS ugly and fat and worthy of hidden self-rejection.

      This is why I am so passionate about encouraging women to shake off shame and find healing in Christ. This is why I’m so passionate about biblical counseling. It’s why I’m so passionate about women believing God’s truth above the lies they’ve been told and/or told themselves.

      Yes, of course it takes time, and yes, there is a process of healing. But I want to prod women to keep moving along in that process, not to stay content living in shame, hiding in shadows and believing lies about themselves, when they could be walking in freedom. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

      But no, I am not a stranger to these forms of sexual shame. By Gods grace I have come through (and still have to actively fight!) shame from all three sources– things done to me, things I did, and messages/lies I believed.

  2. Kathryn says:

    Hello Jess,
    Thank you for taking the time and effort to write these good things. You must be so busy with your workload, and finding the way to get out these words is a big achievement. I just wanted to comment particularly on what you said about true repentance of sin we’ve participated in, and I think what you have written is so true. Apart from own sin, I am particularly burdened at the moment by what seems like a huge acceptance of the sin of homosexuality. My prayer is for the deceived younger people caught in the early stages of this sin to experience the shame, ACTUALLY FEEL ASHAMED, and find a way of escape, rather than listen to the lies and accept it as O.K. All that Jesus has to say about marriage, all that he reveals to us throughout His word tells us clearly that He means for a man and woman to be joined together, and any other sexual intimacy is against this plan and sin.

  3. Sara says:

    How can we know which behaviour between married people is sinful? I mean, you sometimes talk about sinful sexual behaviour, but as you say, sex between married people is sacred, so how do we know what acts are sinful?

    • Jess Connell says:

      As a quick answer, I’d encourage you (or others) to consider the thoughts presented here: http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage-bed/#.VVJzzUZHbCQ

      Perhaps I’ll write more later but for now that link provides a good thorough and biblically thoughtful approach to that question.

      Longer short answer-
      It should never involve anyone else. Not in thought, eyes, words, imagination, touch, or action. Not in any way.

      It should not hurt or demean either partner.

      There is freedom and room for discussion in areas where the Bible is silent (that’s where I think the fleshing out of that question in that article is helpful).

      Hope this helps you as you think through these things in your marriage.

  4. Thank you for sharing. So many times, starting in middle school, we dumb down sex to a simple set of hormones, excretions, and a few moments of exctasy. When in reality it is a wonderful covenant relationship between husband and wife. When there is shame in sex between husband and wife it can create problems. This is why daily intimate conversation is vital to couples growing together through their marriage, instead of allowing that shame to make them grow apart.

  5. Jessica says:

    After reading this article I tried more light because before it was mostly dim light (which I like MUCH better) Anyways it was harder for me to enjoy and engage with as much light. I guess maybe it’s a some of the time full light but it’s okay to have dim light other times? It could come down to preference. My husband liked lots of light. But it’s harder for me. Either way this is a good article and it DID help me! I needed to know it’s important. Even though not comfortable for me. I just think it’s okay for the light to be dim/off some of the time too.

    • Jess Connell says:

      Oh I think that’s totally normal! I am seeing now that what I wrote could be taken to mean “thou shalt always do it with the light on.”

      What I intended was more along the lines of, “don’t hide. Try candles. Leave the closet light on so silhouettes and lines can be seen. Try it sometime mid-day while the toddler is napping.” Etc.

      Yes, I totally agree that it’s fine for the light to be dim or off… more that the heart behind it is what’s important. That we’re not hiding from our husbands, but giving ourselves joyfully TO our husbands… loving them through our lovemaking rather than hiding from them in the midst of our lovemaking.

      Thanks for adding your comment/experience!

      • Jessica says:

        Ok! Yes, that makes sense. He’d been wanting the really bright central light on and I was very hesitant and when I saw this article I was like well I need to give it a try! :) Thanks! Dimmer just seems to be more romantic in my book but this goes to show that men and women think so very differently and it even varies man to man but in general they seem to like MORE light.

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