Q: how differently should boys be parented vs how girls are? Examples would be, I know that boys don’t like to sit still. They need to be physical, to run and climb and use up all of their excess energy.
What tips could you give a new boy mom as to how to deal with boys? They are a mystery to me for the most part.
A: First– did you read these two articles?
I have five big ideas that I’ve found are important for parenting boys.
(1) KEEP THEM BUSY.
By this I mean, give them projects. Assign chores to them. Keep them learning. Have them take over yard work, garage upkeep, car maintenance, and manly jobs around the house. Give them good tools for constructive play.
{Need ideas for toys? Our 8 boys love building/playing with:
- KAPLA blocks (from infant to adulthood)– if you’re not familiar with these, they are perfectly balanced pine planks, excellent for building complex designs
- Duplos (from about 18 months and up)– Big Legos for the years when they want to build but are not yet super-dexterous
- MagFormers (from about 2 and up)– wonderful magnetized tiles that will always connect with one another and never repel; these make for a really fun building experience (for adults too!) 😉
- Legos (from about 4/5 and up)– classic children’s toy; fantastic for constructive play!}
Whatever things they’re interested in, keep them moving in the direction of forward progress.
Even if they act like or say they dislike the work, it is good for them to have regular tasks they are responsible and held accountable for.
It’s better to be proactive and keep them occupied, than for them to do something foolish out of boredom, or (worse!) develop patterns of laziness and a dull mind.
(2) KEEP THEM PHYSICALLY ACTIVE.
You talked about this in your question. Yes! Keep them running.
One mom recently reached out and said her frustratingly-aggressive boy was asking to chop wood to punctuate school work. YES– LET HIM!
They will be happier, learn better, obey easier, fight less, be less emotional… when they are REGULARLY physically active, and sometimes even to the point of being worn-out.
It really doesn’t matter *what* the activity is; find something they like (or something you can all do together) and keep them physically active.
This is also a way, sometimes, to help them deal with out-of-control emotions or anger. To my own boys, I’ve been known to say things like, “go run 4 times around the house,” or (to my big boys– maybe from the time they were 11 & 13) “I want the two of you to go ride your bikes around town to any of the places we normally go, and don’t come back home for at least 30 minutes.”
(3) TEACH THEM HOW TO USE WORDS.
Teach them how to use words to describe their feelings rather than sulking/fighting it out. It is very very likely you will need to help your 3-7 year old son know how to communicate with words, rather than with physical actions (crying, hitting, grumping, calling names, grabbing a toy and running away, being mean, throwing a fit, etc.).
These are very common waters for moms of boys. Boys *tend to* have a harder time with words. So we help them.
I coach them with specific phrases to help them work out their frustrations with others:
- I don’t like it when you take my Legos. Please don’t do that.
- I’m sorry I messed up your picture. That was wrong. Please forgive me.
- It hurts me when you keep tackling me after we’ve stopped wrestling. When you do that, I don’t want to play with you anymore. When I say stop you need to stop.
- I’d like to use my skateboard now; will you please get off of it so I can use it?
Another example of a practical way we go about this, as our kids get older, is through our family’s participation in speech & debate. We tell our kiddos, it doesn’t matter whether you grow up to be a professor, lawyer, mechanic, or electrical engineer, you will be better off for knowing how to communicate in a clear, linear manner. You will be glad to know how to look people in the eye, and interact with their ideas. So, after you turn 12, whether you love it or hate it, you get to participate in speech and debate. 🙂
Some boys are natural wordsmiths, but generally, boys are more speech-delayed, and more apt to want to clam-up-and-slug-it-out than talk-it-out. BUT. The more you can get them comfortable talking about all kinds of things: good things, important things, cultural things, hard things, the better you are making it for them, for yourself, and for their future marriage and careers.
(4) BE HONORABLE.
Be an authority they can respect.
Now, yes, they should respect you regardless. Because you are their mother, and you are an adult. BUT. There are choices we can make that will be more honorable and respectable in their eyes.
That generally means less emotions, and more consistency, on your part.
- Keep your word.
- Be self-controlled: hold back your irrational and emotional accusations.
- Repent! When you act out, speak rudely, are overly dramatic, or sin against them, NAME IT honestly. Seek forgiveness. Repent of that sin!
- Don’t make wild threats; consider what you say before you say it.
- Inspect work and don’t let them get away with less than what you ask.
- Do what you say, every time.
None of us will be perfect. But we can grow. We can work to live in a way that is increasingly honorable and respectable.
(5) AUTHORITY MATTERS TO THEM, WHETHER IT MATTERS TO YOU NOW OR NOT.
Think how the military operates — and let that male-designed organization influence some of your parenting. I don’t mean this in regard to HOW you speak to them (we shouldn’t cuss/drill them/be harsh), but it gives an indicator about this fact about boys: they want a CLEAR authority structure.
For boys, a no-nonsense, hard-driving authority is often preferable to a squishy, super-loving authority who asks nothing/very little of them.
Hundreds of years ago, parents sent their preteen/teen sons away to work as an apprentice. Decades ago, parents sent unruly preteen/teen sons away to military/boarding schools. Though other reasons certainly influenced that, I’m convinced that part of it is that from about 8/9/10 and up, boys benefit from having plenty to do and have a deep inward desire to operate under clear authority.
They will thrive when they can’t answer back, question authority regularly, etc. It will be GOOD for them, for a good long while of their childhood, to unquestioningly live under carefully-considered, loving parental authority.
They’ll be better prepared for life, if they develop a rock-solid awareness that they have right authorities in their lives, and learn how to live under those authorities.
IN THE COMMENTS: Are YOU a mom of boys? How have you seen these big ideas come out as you’ve parented your sons?
This certainly rings true in our house! A fantastic list of things to help Jess.
My boys are still very little (4 & 1.5) but we talk (and do) a lot about ‘constructive uses for their energy’. I want my boys to know having energy and a drive to do stuff isn’t bad in itself but it has to be used for good things. A trampoline has been the best investment we have made. I can send my boys out to use their energy constructively instead of using it to detsroy the house or hurt their siblings.
We also go the park at least once a day. They can burn some of their endless energy and engage in some risk (climbing high, jumping off things, giant flying foxes etc). My boys seek out this risky play far more than my daughter. We are blessed to have numerous parks in walking distance which make this easier.
Thank you! My boys are also 4 and nearing 2. I’ve seen the truth of each on your list, in some degree, but I need to increase in each area. My boys aren’t super high energy the way a lot of boys are, but I know they would benefit from more physical activity. I think I will start making the mini trampoline a regular part of our day for starters.
For keeping them busy, as far as chores, I’ve struggled with knowing how much is appropriate. My oldest is just turning four, and has had clearing the breakfast table as his sole daily chore for a quite a while now. I think he’s ready for and needs more daily work. He helps with laundry on laundry days, and sometimes helps with other housework as well, but nothing regular. Living in a city apartment limits the boy type of work available to us.
Teach them to use words…doing that with the four-year-old. How do you work on acceptable communication with a 22 month old who isn’t talking much yet? Instead of throwing himself on the couch in huff when unhappy, getting frustrated/crying because I don’t understand what his grunts mean, grabbing a toy because he can’t ask for it, etc.
And firm, clear, consistent authority…I have seen the good results from it, but then I slack, and so they do too. Thanks for the reminder!
Hi there, as you’re going about your daily work, notice the little things that you do, for example folding the washcloths and putting them away. Or restocking toilet paper, or changing out the bathroom hand towels, or pulling twin bed sheets off of the bunkbed. Those kinds of things. Four-year-olds can do a lot, but it just takes us noticing the little tasks that we are doing. Also things like sweeping off the front porch, or using the hose to vacuum the edges of the hallway. Those are all things that I’ve had Four, five, and six year-olds do.
As for talking, yes that age of 2 to 3 is always tough especially with boys that are slower to develop. Truthfully, my son who is nearly 5, is probably my slowest verbal developer yet, and I can attest that some boys just take more time. In those instances, I still try to supply what I believe they are trying to verbalize, and I boil it down to the simplest portion that I think they can say or grunt. For example sometimes it’s just please. That starts even with the sign language for please. I want to train them toward communication rather than verbal or physical aggression. That’s the main goal, so sign language suffices until they can produce some sort of verbal sounds, and then we stick with whatever verbal sounds they can produce, until they require greater and greater communicative abilities. Hope this helps!
That is helpful, thank you! Kind of what I’d already felt, in both areas, but I haven’t done as much of either as I’m sure I should. Your confirmation is great, and gives me clearer ideas as how to proceed. Really need to add some sign language. Thank you for sharing!
And thanks for “All the posts since the beginning of time”. I’m slowly going back and reading through them as I only found your blog a couple of years ago. (I would binge read, but that is one of my struggles- I too easily get hooked and neglect other duties, so one blog post a day it is.) Anyway, so many have been really helpful. Thank you for ministering in this way!
Hey Jess!
I love that your writing again. I’m a mom to 4 boys(18,16,12 & 7) and one girl who’s 14. I can definitely attest that these tips help. Just out of curiosity do you know what number you are on the Enneagram? I love the way you teach & coach moms through your blog. So helpful. Thank you.❤️
Hi Shannon, I feel like I’m not supposed to know my enneagram number since some people say it’s evil. Ha ha, I honestly don’t know what to make of it. But in general I have found personality tests to help me understand people better, and our relationships better.
That’s a long wind up To say I think I am an eight wing nine. I am a good bit more aggressive than The average woman, and I used to be more extroverted than I am now. Right now I must be going through my super tired, super chill, midlife crisis version of an eight wing nine. Ha ha, but I’m certainly not out conquering the world.
I do find this outlet to be very rewarding, because it is evergreen. Even in seasons when I am unable to write for long stretches, I am still able to invest in women’s lives simply through the writing and Podcasts that I have made available online. So I find it rewarding, but in some ways, I am not sure how much the eight wing nine is that helpful of an indicator for me. Let me know what you think, especially if you are more familiar with the enneagram.
Are you familiar with Jordan be Peterson‘s big five personality assessments? I found that to be much more clarifying and beneficial for understanding parts of myself, and why I think and interact the way that I am apt to do. One thing I did like about the enneagram is the built in idea that there are ways that a personality acts in stress or sinful mode, and that there are ways that a personality Can improve and actually become altruistic and generous in ways that are atypical.
I liked that built in awareness of the reality of human beings, which is that often times we do experience changes in our personality at times when we are either stressed out, or at times when we are making genuine strides to grow and change in areas of our heart and thinking. Thanks for interacting, and for your encouragement. It does make a difference in my heart to know that there are women who find the content beneficial and upbuilding for their real lives.