If you want a guaranteed way to have a miserable sex life with your husband, read on.
- Seek your own way, only, ever. Make sure the only thing you focus on is how often YOU want sex, how often you DON’T want it, how YOU feel at every given moment, what YOU think your needs are. Focus on your lack of desire; but never do anything to change it or get your head in the game. Never share constructive feedback; just expect him to instinctively “know” what you like. Insist on your own needs and desires, always, first, and only. *
- Believe that only you know best about your sexual needs. Forget 1 Corinthians 7. Forget all that “one flesh” business. Don’t listen to your husband’s desires or let them fuel your own. Forget that sometimes your husband’s needs and desires have actually been custom-fitted by a good God not just for his good, but for yours too.
- Focus on how terrible you look. Make it your top thought, continually. “I’ve gained 20 pounds.” “My tummy used to be so tight; now I’m postpartum and lumpy.” “My boobs/bottom are too small/big/floppy/stretch-marked/saggy.” “I don’t have make up on.” “I feel like a fat cow lately.” “No one could like my current body.” Never stop thinking about this. Never turn the lights on. Never let him really see you. Let it affect every sexual response and interaction you have with your husband.
- Make sure you only have sex if everything is exactly right. Continually have your radar up for anything that might make it not the exact best moment for sex. If you and your husband have had a fight in the last 24 hours, if the kids might wake up in the next 30 minutes, if you’re not sure you’re in the mood, if the people sleeping in the guest room might hear, if you’re tired, if your friend hurt your feelings, if the lights are on, if your kids made you angry earlier in the day, if it just happened last night, if you’re afraid the kids might hear you, if it hasn’t happened in a long time and breaching the subject is awkward, if you feel mildly miffed for no obvious reason… treat these as all perfectly fine reasons to avoid sex now. The stars need to align precisely. If not, be unyielding like the soup nazi: “no sex for you.”
- Use sex as a weapon and bargaining chip. Always make sex the “carrot” he’s working for. If he has a grumpy attitude, left the washcloth wadded up in the sink AGAIN, doesn’t discipline the kids “right”, says something snippy, doesn’t interact with you the way you want, or do things around the house the way you want him to, just withhold sex. Make sure he catches on that you saying “no” is connected to his lack of obedience to your wishes.
- Be bitter toward him. Hold things over his head. Don’t forgive unless he confesses and asks in exactly the right way (your way). Never overlook or let love cover his human failures. Don’t talk things through. At most, accuse. Let him know why you’re bitter, but keep up an uncrackable exterior. Be sure you make it hard for him to be vulnerable or ask for forgiveness.
- See it as having sex, not making love. Treat it as a physical thing, never spiritual, never emotional. (Bonus points if you can see it as “disgusting,” filthy, selfish, or boorish.)
- Focus all your energy on the kids. Or your parents. Or your ministry. Or your friends’ problems. Or Facebook. Or cleaning the house. Give yourself every day, all day, to everything else, anything else, and anyone else but him. Let other people and other things take up all your mental space, heart affection, and energy. After doing all your good, busy things, you want to be sure you have nothing left in your soul, mind, or body for him.
- Stop playing with him. Stop laughing together. Stop being vulnerable. Stop flirting. Shut down any silliness. Stop pursuing common interests. Stop acting like the girl he fell in love with and instead start acting like a bitter old woman who hates having fun.
* Note on #1: this is NOT in any way to indicate that women should not seek to understand their own bodies, what feels good and doesn’t, or communicate those thoughts and feelings to their husbands. This doesn’t mean there aren’t legitimate medical/hormonal issues we need to face and work through I do, however, mean to say that when we ONLY and ALWAYS focus on those things, we can lose some of the sheer joy and playfulness that can come from also focusing on our husband’s joy and pleasure.
IN THE COMMENTS (for those who dare):
- In your marriage, have any of these threatened the life, health, and joy of your intimate relationship?
- How do you combat faulty thinking in this area?