9 Ways to Have a Rotten Sex Life

9 Ways to Have a Rotten Sex Life // jessconnell.com

If you want a guaranteed way to have a miserable sex life with your husband, read on.

  1. Seek your own way, only, ever. Make sure the only thing you focus on is how often YOU want sex, how often you DON’T want it, how YOU feel at every given moment, what YOU think your needs are. Focus on your lack of desire; but never do anything to change it or get your head in the game. Never share constructive feedback; just expect him to instinctively “know” what you like. Insist on your own needs and desires, always, first, and only. *
  2. Believe that only you know best about your sexual needs. Forget 1 Corinthians 7. Forget all that “one flesh” business. Don’t listen to your husband’s desires or let them fuel your own. Forget that sometimes your husband’s needs and desires have actually been custom-fitted by a good God not just for his good, but for yours too.
  3. Focus on how terrible you look. Make it your top thought, continually. “I’ve gained 20 pounds.”  “My tummy used to be so tight; now I’m postpartum and lumpy.” “My boobs/bottom are too small/big/floppy/stretch-marked/saggy.” “I don’t have make up on.” “I feel like a fat cow lately.” “No one could like my current body.” Never stop thinking about this. Never turn the lights on. Never let him really see you. Let it affect every sexual response and interaction you have with your husband.
  4. Make sure you only have sex if everything is exactly right. Continually have your radar up for anything that might make it not the exact best moment for sex. If you and your husband have had a fight in the last 24 hours, if the kids might wake up in the next 30 minutes, if you’re not sure you’re in the mood, if the people sleeping in the guest room might hear, if you’re tired, if your friend hurt your feelings, if the lights are on, if your kids made you angry earlier in the day, if it just happened last night, if you’re afraid the kids might hear you, if it hasn’t happened in a long time and breaching the subject is awkward, if you feel mildly miffed for no obvious reason… treat these as all perfectly fine reasons to avoid sex now. The stars need to align precisely. If not, be unyielding like the soup nazi: “no sex for you.”
  5. Use sex as a weapon and bargaining chip. Always make sex the “carrot” he’s working for. If he has a grumpy attitude, left the washcloth wadded up in the sink AGAIN, doesn’t discipline the kids “right”, says something snippy, doesn’t interact with you the way you want, or do things around the house the way you want him to, just withhold sex. Make sure he catches on that you saying “no” is connected to his lack of obedience to your wishes.
  6. Be bitter toward him. Hold things over his head. Don’t forgive unless he confesses and asks in exactly the right way (your way). Never overlook or let love cover his human failures. Don’t talk things through. At most, accuse. Let him know why you’re bitter, but keep up an uncrackable exterior. Be sure you make it hard for him to be vulnerable or ask for forgiveness.
  7. See it as having sex, not making love. Treat it as a physical thing, never spiritual, never emotional. (Bonus points if you can see it as “disgusting,” filthy, selfish, or boorish.)
  8. Focus all your energy on the kids. Or your parents. Or your ministry. Or your friends’ problems. Or Facebook. Or cleaning the house. Give yourself every day, all day, to everything else, anything else, and anyone else but him. Let other people and other things take up all your mental space, heart affection, and energy. After doing all your good, busy things, you want to be sure you have nothing left in your soul, mind, or body for him.
  9. Stop playing with him. Stop laughing together. Stop being vulnerable. Stop flirting. Shut down any silliness. Stop pursuing common interests. Stop acting like the girl he fell in love with and instead start acting like a bitter old woman who hates having fun.


* Note on #1: this is NOT in any way to indicate that women should not seek to understand their own bodies, what feels good and doesn’t, or communicate those thoughts and feelings to their husbands. This doesn’t mean there aren’t legitimate medical/hormonal issues we need to face and work through I do, however, mean to say that when we ONLY and ALWAYS focus on those things, we can lose some of the sheer joy and playfulness that can come from also focusing on our husband’s joy and pleasure.


IN THE COMMENTS (for those who dare): 

  • In your marriage, have any of these threatened the life, health, and joy of your intimate relationship?
  • How do you combat faulty thinking in this area?

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Jess Connell

Jesus-follower, Happy wife, Mom of 8 neat people. Former world-traveler, now settled in Washington. Host of Mom On Purpose podcast (momonpurpose.com). I write and wrangle kids.

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7 Responses

  1. Evie says:

    Ouch! I can see myself in almost ALL of these. Writing it in the negative really drives the point home. I’ve been married 6 years and have been dealing with this lately and I know that it’s my own fault. Especially like in #1 and #4… It’s always all about me and I’m the one who sets the tone & schedule, all the stars have to align. I sometimes think about what is the minimum I can get by with (ugh). I think my husband senses that, and doesn’t “try” often so he doesn’t seem pushy. Newlywed me (and even pre-salvation immoral college student me) would be shocked at how DIS-interested I am in physical intimacy at this point. When I was younger, and then when I first got married I simply could not imagine how anyone could lose interest. The honeymoon and first year were great. A friend who’d been married a lot longer around that time confessed something like “I’d be content if we never had sex again.” And now.. many years later.. I am feeling the same way. I feel like I have no need for it at all even though I always enjoy it and it’s always *good* when it happens! (I have no trouble with physical response). But aside from that, there’s no unfilled longing for me. I’m actually quite content, like I could take it or leave it! (I realize this is all very selfish by the way because my husband feels the opposite) 😉 It’s not because of anything w/ my husband. He’s not harsh or gross or unkind. The desire is just not there… at all. Like if I could go into the negative range I would. I know that’s not an excuse. I felt less interested after having my first child, and then after my 2nd… there was no urge, no feeling there. At times the though even felt distasteful. I thought maybe after I was done nursing that the hormones would “come back” (since I used to desire it). We were frequent when we were first married, and then due to morning sickness, postpartum, etc it was less frequent, and we’ve gone through seasons where it was better, like ups and downs. Now I think it has become almost “awkward” since we don’t do it that often. Like it’s more of a hassle. Even though it’s not about numbers, I’d say we average 4x/month of some type of contact. I agree with what you’ve written before about keeping it like a campfire.. (I think that was the analogy?) keeping the embers warm it’s easier to get the fire going again than if you let it fizzle out completely in between. The more I do it the more I want to do it, but it’s just getting over that roadblock, and being willing BEFORE I’m in the mood. I’m never sorry afterward. I seem to keep waiting for that “zap” of intense sexual desire an it NEVER happens ahead of time. But.. I know the answer… and you’ve written some good articles on this very subject so it’s not lack of knowledge for me .. it’s just repenting of my selfishness and looking after my husband’s interests ahead of my own. Perhaps praying for God to give me those desires and longings. My husband is non-confrontational so he’d almost never say on his own “I wish you would initiate more or seem interested.” Since he doesn’t want to rock the boat I can totally foresee how this could go on for years and have a negative impact on our relational and spiritual well-being. I asked him point blank the other day and he said he misses when we used to do it more frequently. You’d think that’d be enough for me to get over myself! Anyway, thanks for this much needed reality check.

    • Jess Connell says:

      Wow, Evie! This honesty is seriously encouraging to me. This is the point God wants to get us to in any sin– being vulnerable enough to ‘own’ it and call it by the right names. God is so good & so gracious to help us change when we repent and put action behind the things where we are convicted.

      Thanks for sharing; I know it would have been easy not to write… not to expose yourself openly… especially on such a sensitive topic. Thanks, though, for pushing through– I imagine there are a great many other women silently reading along feeling similar and that your comment will be a great encouragement and challenge to those women.


  2. Danielle says:

    # 1, 3 &9 have been hard for me. I needed this reminder, thank you for posting. I’ve struggled since I was pregnant with twins and now having 6, with the oldest turning 7 soon. The twins took a lot out of me….and us as a couple. I’ve never been SO tired before. Like can’t keep my eyes open, form a complete sentence, barely scraping by kind of tired. Do you have any advice for the first 6 months postpartum? My gracious husband was just that…very gracious and understanding. But I still feel guilty for not trying harder throughout my pregnancy and 6mo pp. We’re getting back to a good place though. I’m trying harder. I don’t recognize my own body these days, so I try to just listen to his compliments, avoid the mirror (what a mood killer!) and squeeze in some time for a little exercise…and just be OK with the new me. Some of your posts have been helpful in accepting my Mom body. #4- we were just discussing this last night….how so often we are ok with the kids hearing an argument but if I let myself I can be overly concerned with them overhearing us being intimate…if anything, it should be the opposite right? It didn’t kill me to overhear my parents a few times growing up, and if anything it was good for me.

  3. Daniella says:

    Thank you!! I don’t always get to leave comments on every post you write but I am always blessed by them and they linger on in my brain, simmering througout the week, and this post was no exception.
    When I feel like I need some encouragement as a wife and mother I check in with your blog or do a search if it’s a specific issue I’m dealing with. I know it must be a sacrifice to devote time to this blog but it has been such a fruitful ministry. I pray the Lord continues to bless you so that you can continue to bless us and that as we grow we can bless the younger women ?.

  4. Lauren says:

    I can say there are seasons, and ebb and flow, of my desire, but I have learned to have sex even when I don’t feel it until I do feel it. I believe neglect in this area only makes it harder to revive. I am more conscious of how my cycle affects my mood. With more children, I would say, I have gained body confidence, and my husband has grown along with me because he has sought to make me his standard of beauty. I don’t say that for my glory but to encourage anyone who comes after on the comments here, keep working on your marital sex life. It gets better and better!

  1. February 5, 2017

    […] 9 Ways to Have a Rotten Sex Life, Jess Connell […]

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