The early part of this summer was a hurricane in our lives.
I won’t recount all the details, but we were poised to buy a family business. Instead, the carpet was yanked out from beneath our feet. Had we been on our own, we would’ve gone scrambling, but God placed solid paver stones under our feet with each step we took, and has faithfully led us toward where we needed to be and what we needed to do as a family after that shocking loss.
Though my whole heart was delighted at the pursuit of that beautiful dream, I’m grateful for where we are, and what He’s done.
Nonetheless, the emotional fallout for me was not insignificant. I went to the Psalms to try to voice my emotions in prayer, but I couldn’t focus. I tried to “Do the Next Thing,” but often couldn’t even identify what that was.
The needs were all so pressing, and instead of trying to meet them all, I just went numb. Escapism became my modus operandi– I zoned out on devices, seeking escape and calm and predictability and control.
Sometimes my hands and feet moved in the direction they were “supposed” to– working deliberately to stabilize our lives in the here and now– but even that never lasted long.
My mind and heart were weighed down, cluttered, hurt, and confused.
I NEEDED HELP
I needed perspective, and –even more than that– I needed to talk with someone for whom my story would not be “too much.”
And, yes, I know that God is always there to hear us. But the truth is that I had almost no time alone to pray or talk, and even if I had, we’d been hit by a great blow, and I was still rumbling from that hit. My brain felt like it was in the residual shakes of a gong. There was too much noise and it drowned out even things that seemed simple.
I couldn’t make sense of life.
Our story sounded crazy, even to me.
It’s tiresome to perpetually feel like you have to hold back– like if someone actually heard all the details and concerns on your mind, they would just stop listening and avoid you like the plague thereafter because it’s all just way way way too much. I didn’t know how to voice our story, or my emotions and reactions amidst it all, but I knew I couldn’t go on like this.
I needed to sort it out.
SEEKING A COUNSELOR
So I sought out a counselor, someone with whom I could just bare it all and have her tell me the truth and help me. With some searching (and it took multiple efforts!) God gave me a beautiful counselor (actually an older woman I knew 20 years ago, although I didn’t realize it until 40 minutes into our first session!).
We had two months worth of sessions together, and the biggest thing she did for me was this: she listened, and responded empathetically and insightfully to my story.
Yes, she gave me resources; yes, she prodded with insightful questions and biblical principles, and reflected back to me what she was noticing and hearing. But the biggest gift of it all, for me, was her validating that the weight on my shoulders, and the weight on my mind, really WAS an awfully heavy load.
Somehow, just that — an “outsider” telling me the truth about my life — was very freeing, and also helped me scale over the great hump of sorrow and shock. She helped me to inwardly move deliberately toward reality and away from the past, away from zoning out, and away from numbing myself with devices. After time talking with her, I not only could take steps toward:
- building an enjoyable, sustainable life
- investing in church, family, and friends HERE–
— but she helped me realize that I actually wanted to pursue those things.
The inward attitude change (and awareness of my real heart goals) was what I needed in order to begin external behavioral changes.
(For me that looked like: turning off devices; decreasing the quantity of time taken up by binge-video-watching; increasing the time spent engaging with the seeming-chaos of real life.)
I share this because… I hope it will give you courage to reach out to a skilled counselor if you need help.
Also, I want to explicitly say that even though I come from a background of “biblical counseling” — this woman was not a biblical counselor. She was simply a Jesus-loving woman, trained in counseling, able to listen and enter into my story, care about my life, and help me.
Additionally, it was beneficial to have someone who doesn’t “know” me and doesn’t have any skin in the game of my life, to help me sort life out and help me regain my footing on the God’s path. What I mean by that is– no matter what I decided in our counseling sessions, it would not materially change her life. Neither of us have a community, reputation, paycheck, or set of friendships that are dependent upon one another.
She simply wanted to help me love Jesus better and work through the issues and emotions that were plaguing me. And she did.
THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING COUNSELING.
Sister, life is hard. The heavenward path is long. The blows of life can be wearying. We don’t have to perpetually “buck up” and feign strength. The whole point of the Gospel is that we are weak and needy.
If you need help, take steps toward what you need and get it. There’s no shame in that.
Grace and Peace,
Jess
Yes, yes, yes! What is it about being heard that is so powerful and invaluable and day-changing!? To put your thoughts out into the air and hear them yourself as words, that alone does something and is helpful. But as you so perfectly noted, to have those words received and your emotions validated! It just opens the heart to make a change; it’s like scissors that cut through the ball of tangled yarn in your mind.
Anyway, I’m thrilled that you got that GIFT of a listening ear. It’s rare to find someone who knows how to do what you just described. Problems need to be solved, but it’s impossible (or feels that way) when that first step of feeling heard and understood is missing. Praise the Lord for those people who take the time to really listen and care. They are setting so many free to get out of that tangled yarn and live. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing.
Yes! this wasn’t even formal counseling, but I had severe postpartum depression after our second and reached out to two mentors. They too told me how ridiculously crazy my life had been and thus that it was not a shock I was feeling so bad. And then because they knew me so well and knew the human heart so well, we were able to work through some of my feelings and self talk to get me to a place where I could function again.
Any tips for finding the kind of counselor you describe?
Hi Nicole,
I did some research online– tried to figure out,
(1) is this person truly a Bible-believing) Christian? (Often, websites will give clear indications when the counselor does not actually believe the Bible, or focuses on psychological terms/methods rather than language of care and counsel and wisdom)
(2) is this person close enough to me, physically, so that I can consistently prioritize this in my life? (For me this was important, so that I knew I could devote myself to this for a season in my life and not put it off because of a 45-minute drive each way, or whatever.)
Then I called some. One ended up being too far from me physically. Another never called me back. A third that I was super excited about called back and said she wasn’t taking new clients. BUT in talking with her, and telling her that I didn’t necessarily need someone who was going to refer to Scripture non-stop in sessions or anything, but I DID want someone who would not point me away from the Scriptures– she referred me to a local counseling group that she said she felt they would be a good fit.
When I called that group for an appointment, the contact offered me 3 potential counselors and asked me to look up their bios to see if any would be a good fit (the bios had their personal stories as well as their training and their costs per hour). That information helped me choose, and I selected my counselor and it DID turn out to be a good fit. She was an older women, with life experience, and 10+ years in the church, as well as a breadth of training in psychological, counseling, trauma-therapy, and biblical arenas.
One thing I liked is that she made it clear- if for any reason, personality, methods, just general feel of it, whatever– I didn’t feel like it was a good fit, I could change or never have another appointment without any ill-will. I also liked that she had me set some goals at the beginning, so that we would both have a gauge as to when we had “completed” the goals of counseling and it wouldn’t drag on and on.
I think finding a good counselor may be a thing of trial and error. For me, once I could enumerate that what I needed was help from a skilled counselor, I committed myself to do it, with that as my top “to do” item until I found one that was available, and a good fit.
Hope this helps.
~Jess
Real question: is there a lot of stigma still attached to counseling? I really enjoyed this piece by the way.
Good question! I think in some circles, therapy/counseling has been destigmatized. In circles I’ve traveled in, it still can carry a stigma.
The underlying message like you shouldn’t need it… if you get it, you must have really big problems, etc. But I don’t believe that’s true, and I want to encourage people in that circle to loosen their belts and chew on this idea– that it can be good.
We are complex people living in a digitized and complex world, in ways that are completely foreign to the ways humans have interacted for millennia (social media; keeping up with elementary school friends’s lives; able to keep up with SO much information; able to stay up way later than we should and not get enough rest, etc.). This can produce chaos, confusion, and strain. And in other ways, of course, we are exactly what humans have always been– fallible, weak, able to get sick, able to feel overwhelmed, broken hearts, broken minds, broken bodies, too focused on the past, unsure of the future, etc.
I think you’ve asked a good question though. For some, it probably has moved out of the category of truly holding a stigma, and that’s great.
Thanks so much for answering.
The cost is far too much for me. Keeping a roof over my head and food on the table, paying necessary bills takes all I have. Expenses pared down to the last cent mean there is nothimg left in the pot for counselling.
I definitely understand that!
A lot of biblical counselors offer services for free, and some for very low cost. I have received several months’ worth of counseling for free from biblical counselors.