A Hard Year, the Joy of Baby #9, and the Ideas that Drive Us

Well, it’s been more than a year since I’ve written here.

And a lot happened in the last year.

WHAT WE DID, BETWEEN JUNE 2017 & JUNE 2018:

Through our extended family, we’ve experienced some life-changing pain– the death of two grandparents, and my brother went through an unexpected divorce. They married the same year we did, and though we weren’t able to see them as often as we’d have liked, for 17 years, I expected that we’d grow old– celebrating holidays and graduations and weddings and welcoming grandchildren– together. Having not experienced divorce before, it really knocked me sideways to suddenly have something that seemed solid evaporate overnight.

Between these unexpected challenges, the demands of normal life, and other difficulties we’ve faced, I’ve experienced a lasting sorrow and heaviness unlike anything I’ve felt before.

We also found out we were pregnant with baby #9 last fall, and had our 8th precious son, Gus, in June. {more pictures below} It’s been a harder recovery than any of the others, but I love love love him and am glad he’s ours!

Some highlights:

• Last summer, since we couldn’t do a full circuit of Mount Rainier, as we had done in 2016, we day-hiked a 17-mile section of the Wonderland Trail and it was (of course) majestic, invigorating, and lovely.
• We went on a 5,000-mile road trip with our 8 kids, ages 15 – 10 months. On that road trip, we saw family in Texas and Kansas, attended a Biblical counseling conference, and visited Bryce Canyon NP, Lake Powell/Lone Rock State Park, Grand Canyon NP, Horseshoe Bend Trail in AZ, Waterholes Hike in AZ, Slide Rock State Park, Crater of Diamonds (none of us found a diamond; bummer!), and Mesa Verde NP. It was a whirlwind– really memorable, really tiring, and a wonderful time together as a family.
• Doug & I did a 30-day Keto cleanse. (<—–We followed the book at that link, if you’re interested.) I learned a lot about my body and health during that month (specifically: if I simply focus on getting enough protein and healthy fats, it satisfies my hunger and cravings, and I mostly don’t have to worry about my eating). And although I’m not following it right now in these early months of breastfeeding, it’s changing the daily choices I make. You may remember, I’ve been working for a few years to make more healthy choices in general, so this season of learning has been a big win for me.
• Twice most weeks, I ran (and later in the pregnancy, walked) with a friend. That, along with our habit of going on family walks most evenings, became a sustainable level of activity for me. (Although the two months since his birth have been more difficult for me, and I have not yet resumed these things.)
• We had a wonderful homeschool year of focusing on reading aloud together, and I greatly enjoyed the benefits of using Teaching Textbooks (namely: no dependence on me, while they still make steady progress in math!).
• We had a busy spring, between church commitments, and our 2 oldest sons’ participation in NCFCA speech and debate. We’re very thankful for the fruit that we see in their character and minds from this, so much that it is our sole commitment outside of family and church.
• I spoke at our church’s ladies’ conference about having “Flourishing Faith, in an Aging Body.” One of the things that has been made clear to me in this last year of my life has been that I am getting older. My body is tired. My energy is less reliable. This pregnancy was harder. My mind is tired. I’m a weak, needy person. And yet, amidst the tired body and the hard realities of life, God is good! He has encouragement and grace available for us as aging women, and I shared some of what He’s teaching me, in that message (click here if you want to listen).
• Our oldest son turned 16, which brings with it its own joys and challenges (packed schedule, less family time, what to do about phones, cars, social media, making plans with friends, apps …) lots of new types of decision-making and more guinea-pigging with this wonderful son, as he approaches adulthood.

Mostly, this last year has let me see my own limitations.

Our house is noisy. My husband’s a pastor and we have an active church life. We have kids in (almost) every phase of life. Our schedule is full. I can’t do everything I want to do. I’m not a very good friend. I can’t even live up to my own ideals, much less anyone else’s!

People sometimes say things like, “You’re Super-woman!” But it’s not true.

I am not a strong, capable woman; I am weaker than I ever knew. .

It’s obvious I can’t be all things to all people, which, in a way, brings with it a certain freedom– I am freed to do the things God clearly shows and gives to me, and am learning that I don’t have to carry the burden of *trying* to have everything “together” or *trying* to be all things to all people. It’s clear that I can’t. Which forces me into a posture of watching GOD do amazing things, and watching His people step up to fill voids that I can’t fill. It’s hard, and wonderful.

I’ve seen my own sin more clearly, and have had opportunities to fight it. I’ve seen our children’s sin more clearly, and (thankfully) been able to help them each learn to turn to the Savior and fight their sin. And I’ve seen the work of our Savior even more brilliantly as He keeps refining us and draws our children toward Himself.

Even though that has been one of the hardest years of our lives (THE hardest, maybe?), our marriage is stronger and deeper and richer than it’s ever been. I’m so thankful for this man God has given me.

 

WHAT’S NEXT?

With that, what’s next, specifically for jessconnell.com?

 

The truth is, I’m not in a place where I can as much spend time writing as I used to do. My goal for this website is still to provide biblically-sound, edifying, practical help for wives and moms. For now, I will try to keep the site organized enough that it continues to be useful for moms for years (and decades, if God allows) to come.

I’ve been considering if there will be future seasons of the “Mom On Purpose” podcast, or possibly a different audio project. (I welcome your thoughts on that!)

 

But truthfully, the things in my home and church community… the things God has put on my plate…

…are full and tiring and valuable and WONDERFUL. And, most days, I don’t have extra left over.

On that note, here’s my precious Gus:

Even though it’s been a harder recovery this go-round, he’s worth it.

Though I’m not going to be regularly publishing articles for the time being, I do want to share these thoughts for now:

 

THE LONGER I’M A MOM, SOME THINGS BECOME MORE CLEAR

I’ve heard some people say things like:

“the longer I live as a parent, the less I feel I know.”

And while I understand that sentiment to some degree (yes, we all grow and change, and each child adds complexity and pushes against the things that “worked” or didn’t “work” for previous children), for me, the longer I’m a mom, the more clear some things have become.

Some basic operating principles are even more clear to me now, than they were when I was younger. I’ll share them here, though if you’ve been reading for any length of time, you won’t be surprised about these “big ideas” that drive our parenting and undergird our family’s life:

LOVING & REALLY ENJOYING ONE ANOTHER MATTERS: Love given and received through things like snuggles, conversation, games, and smiles is a pivotal part of family life. All the rest doesn’t matter a hill of beans if it’s miserable being around one another.

BABIES WHO SLEEP WELL, ASAP, are a blessing to Mama but also to the whole family (including themselves!). I list it high right now because I have a newborn and am reminded of its importance. This is not a salvation issue, but in our home, it’s a sanity issue.

MARRIAGE = A CENTRAL FOCUS. The health of our marriage must be a top-tier focus, no matter what else is pulling on our attention, time, and energy. In fact, the MORE tired we are, and the MORE challenging life becomes, the MORE important it is that we have, and that we maintain, a strong relationship of oneness.

SEX MATTERS. Prioritizing marriage includes continually working at our physical/intimate relationship. 18 years in, I am more convinced than ever that the physical oneness we have with our husbands is an important part of the spiritual glue God has built into the health of each family unit.

TOGETHERNESS MATTERS. Experiencing life alongside our children, each day, in close proximity, gives us the vantage point for effectively observing, knowing, coaching, training, shepherding, discipling, and genuinely loving them.

OBEDIENCE MATTERS. When they’re little, one of the most important things kids need to learn is to obey their parents. Which means– we must discipline them promptly, and faithfully.

PARENTING IS JUST FLAT OUT HARD. It takes all you have to give, and many times can push you to feel you have nothing to give. However, God uses those who are willing, and who do not give up. Galatians 6:9 offers a great principle to remember: “let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

IT IS GOOD FOR KIDS TO WORK HARD and become contributors, ASAP. This means I have to be willing to let things take longer, and be done less perfectly, than when I “just do it myself.” It’s more important that these little people learn to take on jobs, and become hard workers who contribute to family life, than for tasks to be done perfectly or quickly.

BOYS NEED US TO TEACH THEM SELF-CONTROL (not saying girls don’t!, but I have 8 boys and know this biblical principle to be true about boys! Click on that link to see what I mean.)

SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LATE THAN EARLY. (In our home, this applies to potty training, reading, and some higher-level academic skills.) Waiting for readiness and internal motivation in an area, rather than pushing-pushing-pushing them to achieve arbitrary milestones, has been beneficial, especially with boys who are slow to be interested in “school.”

WE TALK OPENLY WITH OUR KIDS, EVEN ABOUT STICKY/TRICKY/UNCOMFORTABLE SUBJECTS. We don’t wait for our kids to ask questions. We talk about our faith, values, and the things that matter to us. We talk about God’s design for sex, family, bodies and gender. We talk about things happening in the confused culture around us. We confess our sins to them, naming the ways that we’ve acted wrongly toward them, and sharing about our fight against those sins (of anger, irritability, lack of self-control, being enslaved to devices/social media, whatever). Very often, this can be downright uncomfortable, but we believe it’s worth it. And the longer we do this, the more we are seeing our kids come to us with their questions, as well as their confessions and the things really going on in their hearts.

OUR KIDS REALLY ARE SINNERS. Just like each of us. They’re tempted with real sin. They sometimes act in sinful ways. Ugly sin. It’s hard — gut-wrenching sometimes — to watch those things unfold, but this is the reality of being human.

None of us will raise perfect children, no matter the careful choices we make.

GOD’S GRACE GIVES HOPE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS. When we repent, confess our sin and turn toward the Lord, and toward one another, God can work in us! And this can only happen by grace– we can’t MAKE our children do this. When God works in our children, and they allow us to walk beside them, know them in the inner places, and point them to the Savior, it’s a joy. Then we can have close enough relationships to truly know them, actually see them confess sin, and help them start to work on those things and grow, in real time. Our relationships aren’t perfect, just like each of us aren’t, but…

GOD IS FAITHFUL. His grace is greater than all our sin. HE can do in our hearts, and in our kids’ hearts, what no amount of rules or constraints can do. (Which doesn’t mean we throw out the rules– but it means we don’t TRUST in those rules!) It’s HIM we must trust– not our parenting, not our “good” kids, not our community/sheltering, not our schooling decisions, not internet filters, not ourselves– HIM. He calls sinners to Himself, and He pursues every sheep that is His. So then, as parents, we have a front row seat in which we can pray, and participate, and hope, and watch, as He does His work in our children’s lives.

AS MOTHERS, THE THINGS WE DO– what we allow, reward, discourage, spank for, laugh about, laugh off– MATTER GREATLY. We are shaping eternal souls. I need a kick in the pants from time to time, to remember this, or else I’m apt to drift into lethargy and laziness. I’ve got to keep my mommy radar on the alert, and remember that THIS– this year, this day, this moment, with these kids– matters.

Being a mom is hard work.

But it’s WORTHY work.

It’s eternal, God-given work.

 

 

So, if I get back to writing here at whatever pace I’m able, I’ll be writing along these lines.

If you disagree, that’s OK. Go in peace. Truly. I hold no ill-will toward moms who want to parent differently from me, feel that spanking is mean, or who don’t talk about sex with their kids. I’m too old and tired to fight, and I don’t have time to police angry comments. I have zero desire to debate things mommy-forum-style.

If you do things differently, I bless you and wish you well. God is a Good Shepherd, and every one of His children is just a sheep trying to follow His voice.

 

 

 

I’m imperfect; my kids are imperfect.

But I’m trying to follow Jesus, and walk this road of motherhood with grace and truth. For nearly 2 decades, I’ve worked to love my husband and raise the children God gives, to be shot out as “arrows” into the direction God has uniquely built them for, and to love and serve King Jesus. The insights God has taught, and the practical things I’ve learned– from 16 years of mothering (now) 9 kids, 18 years of marriage, and 20+ years of following Jesus– is what I’ve offered to readers, and what I’ll continue to draw on for any future writing.

God bless you in your eternal, God-given work, there in your everyday life.

 

Grace and Peace,
Jess