5 Thoughts Before I’m 40 + a Life Update

Well, hello there! It’s been a while.

Allow me to share some hodge-podgy thoughts I’ve been pondering, as I approach my 40th birthday this month:

(1) No matter what choices you make, life contains pain. Fear of pain can not be what rules our decision-making. God doesn’t promise easy roads, comfortable circumstances, good emotions, or perpetually-peaceful relationships.

Terribly painful decisions can be the right decisions.

(2) Our hope can not be in people. Even the Apostle Paul said, “Follow me as I follow Christ,” not just “follow me.” We have to be so careful! When we encounter divorces, inaction, adultery, betrayal, slander & gossip, people who once professed Christ falling away from faith… these broken pieces in life point to the reality that we live in a fallen world and we await our God who will set all things right.

Yes, the broken pieces are truly painful.

But they are not the end of the story.

Our pastor reminded us this Sunday of that beautiful hope the Narnians whispered to bolster one another through the long winter:

“They say Aslan is on the move”

~Mr. Beaver, in the Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis

Our hope is not in people and our hope is not in ourselves. If we put our hope in either place, we will be devastated again and again.

But our hope is in Jesus– the Living God. When famous people denounce Him, He is still on the move. When friends prove to be otherwise, He is still on the move. When marriages around us crumble, He is still on the move.

When WE disappoint others….

… and when we disappoint ourselves…

God is still on the move.

(3) All of that leads me to this prayer, over and over and over:

God, be merciful to me, a sinner.

The older I get, and watch more… and more… and more people “fail” I just think,

oh, sweet Jesus, keep me. It can’t be ME that keeps me… it can’t be rules… it can’t be being a part of this/that/the other…it can’t be dependent on me making all the right decisions… it can’t be that I just buck up and be strong, because OH LORD I AM SO WEAK.

It’s gotta be YOU. Lord, have mercy. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

(4) Also, knowing that I am one of those weak and ultimately-undependable people, just like all the people around me… the answer is NOT run-from-all-churches or run-from-all-relationships…. but to be mindful of this tendency every human has.

As we develop new relationships, and keep growing in the ones we already have, and as we choose which sort of church government to submit ourselves to, I want to learn to love people better in each year I live.

While hermit-dom sometimes sounds appealing, (especially in a noisy house full of 11 people) ultimately, I want to love people and see God at work in them and in me. Which means even through seasons of tiredness, I have to keep diving back in to full-hearted living and worshipping the living God alongside my Brothers and Sisters in the Lord.

(5) Here are some of the books I’ve read so far this year, and why I like them:

* The Gospel-Centered Woman – by Wendy Alsup — This thin, pithy tome has encouraged my heart. Alsup is a woman who has been through the highs and lows and deep hurts of life in both church and home… and on the other side, is still a faithful woman of God, pressing in to know Him more. She’s a good guide for any who have been wounded, as her message is not role-focused (wife/mom/etc) or “do XYZ.”

The prayer of my heart in this season, as I read books like this:

God, let me be a woman who centers precisely on the Gospel. Not Christian-sounding add-ons. Not on self. Not on fulfillment or finding my groove. Not on my children and not on my husband. Not on following formulas or prescriptions. Not on anything that can be taken away. On Christ and His Sweet Gospel ALONE.

* Tutankhamun: The Untold Story — I’m a fan of Ancient Near East and Egyptian archaeology. When I picked this book up at a thrift store, I had no idea how engrossing it would be. It’s fascinating (and sad) to learn more about how unregulated Egyptian archaeology was just 100 years ago, and how easy it was to skirt what few rules they had, if one was simply rich. When we visited Egypt 10 summers ago, we saw the King Tut exhibit, and I stared at that beautiful mask, eyeball to eyeball. It’s been wonderful to learn more about how, exactly, it was discovered.

* The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism– by DC Robertsson — This is a GREAT book– filled with Scripture, practical insights, and biblical examples. From the description: “While the Bible does not use the exact term “narcissism” – a word from Greek mythology – it most certainly speaks to the subject. In fact, if you look carefully, you might be surprised at just how much and how directly Scripture speaks about narcissism and narcissistic people. The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism is just what the title says – an A-Z look at the Biblical perspective on these toxic people; including who they are, how they got that way, and how to deal with them. From key words to Biblical case studies, it will unlock a new perspective and provide a framework in your search for truth.” For the Christian who has had to deal with narcissistic behavior in someone you love or are close to, and is trying to sort through what is going on, and how in the world you are to respond to it, this insightful book is a breath of fresh air.

* A Gospel Primer for Christians: Learning to See the Glories of God’s Love — by Milton Vincent — These 31 mini-devotionals will center your heart on the Gospel. If you’ve ever believed or been taught (explicitly or subtly) that the Gospel is simply what unbelievers need to hear, this great, thin book will help you see why the glories of the Gospel matter FOR BELIEVERS! Read and re-read it; you’ll be glad you did.

A Brief Update for those who are interested–

We moved back to Texas!

• The beautiful state of Washington gave us five years of hiking, berries, growth (as individuals and as a family), lovely summers, and dear friendships that will last into eternity.
• In March, we stepped away from my husband’s pastoral ministry there for “sabbatical”– a time of rest and refreshment, as well as evaluating what was next. Though my husband still worked a job throughout the 3 months of waiting, we DID take time to evaluate all God had done… praying through options before us… and it was much-needed.
• We thought our family was moving toward a new season of pastoral ministry, or possibly seminary in Kansas City, but God opened up multiple job opportunities for us to consider at Christian camps around the country.
• The closest one, near family in our home state, ended up being what God had for us. Doug happily accepted a role in a wonderful ministry right here in Texas, and we are thankful to be a part of it!

An update on me–

Oh HOW much I’m loving the sunshine of Texas!! I’d almost forgotten how delicious it feels to have the sun’s heat sink all the way down to my bones.

And after 5 years in the utterly-stunning PNW, I’m learning to appreciate the beauties here– MASSIVE skies, startlingly beautiful sunrises and sunsets, creeks, critters, and wonderful weather most months of the year (August excepted).

My whole self– heart, body, soul, mind– is regaining energy after a long season of deep tiredness.

I’m more thankful than ever for a few things:

• God is kind. Eye-poppingly kind. Even in hard things, He has been so gentle and kind toward us.
• He really WILL make all things right. All things done in darkness will be exposed in the light of day. God is faithful and His promises are true.
• Doug– my kind and amazing husband– is as steady as ever. While this last year has been the hardest of our lives, he has led us faithfully and gently. What a gift this man is to our family, and to me! I don’t want to take this blessing for granted.
• God has sent encouragement to us again and again throughout this hard year. Letters, emails, gifts, visits, and a home to live in while we were waiting for God’s plans to unfold. (Special shout out to the amazing Murphys– it is no small thing to have 11 people invade your home for 102 days!) Friends new and old have bolstered and blessed us in ways too numerous to list.

I’m also working through several writing books (Bird By Bird, and others), and writing when I can. Some of you may remember: I’ve written novels in the past (none published, yet). I’ve been attending a writer’s group here and am currently getting the groundwork laid to start writing a new fiction series that I’m super excited about.

The house we live in here has a barn and third-of-an-acre field. The kids and I have a heap of baby chicks (33 of them are still alive! — out of an original order of 37, we’ve lost 4 so far… I’m hoping for no more losses.).

This week, Doug is finishing up some tedious work getting the drop-ceiling of hardware cloth secured on our chicken coop, and then they will officially be spending their days outside as free-ranging, bug-eating, pastured chickens. We are thinking about other animals too– hoping for honeybees, sheep or goats, and maybe a jersey cow within about a year– or possibly pigs, who knows!

But first I need to unpack these boxes! And snuggle these children! And listen to these teens as they share their dreams and ideas. And run them here, there, and everywhere! And get to know the neat ladies in our new church. And somehow still keep my little guys on a nap schedule. 🙂

Again and again, God keeps turning my focus back to being faithful in the daily things… being kind to my husband, looking my kiddos in the eyeballs and loving and discipling them well, helping coach/guide my teens through the big decisions they’re facing.

While it’s tempting to do ANY and EVERYthing else, the main thing I need to do is right here in front of me.

“Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.”

~Jim Elliot

The work God’s put here in front of me is all good, hard, worthy work. I can forget that, but I am working to remember.

God bless you, there, as you turn toward your good, hard, worthy work.