Womanhood & Our Identity Idolatry – Part 2 (especially “MOTHER”)

In Part 1 we discussed-

• the unreliability of basing our identity on seasons, or characteristics about us
• the way we are all geared toward identity idolatry (feeling that what we do/choose is the same as who we are)
• and the way God – in kindness – seeks to shake us loose of that.

Ultimately, there are 2 categories into which everyone in the entire world can be sorted:

1. IN SELF— this person has not trusted in the blood of Jesus to pay for sin. {This person may even mention Jesus, but when you pay attention to where their focus is, they are actually resting in their own service, obedience, behavior.}
2. IN CHRIST— this person HAS trusted in the blood of Jesus alone (nothing else– no works, no striving, no “trying”, no human goodness) to pay for sin 

When you dig below the surface in people’s beliefs, there’s often an expression of “hoping the good outweighs the bad”, or “hoping He’ll let me in since I’ve tried to do the best I can.” Whether or not we claim to be Christian, if our ultimate confidence is resting in self, in our doing, in our behavior, or acceptability to God or others, we are resting in self.

The problem with this is that our “self” is always changing.

Have you noticed it? 28-year-old you is not the same as 14-year-old you. 43-year-old you doesn’t think the same way, or value the same things the same way, as 26-year-old you.

To take it even more ‘micro,’ morning-after-a-bad-sleep you isn’t the same as about-to-eat-your-favorite-treat you. Just-got-a-new-job you isn’t the same as three-months-into-a-valley you.

Because our “self” is constantly in flux, growing, adapting, extending, recoiling, learning, self is not a reliable place for our hopes and our identity to rest.

This is in stark contrast to the rah-rah message that even some marketed-as-Christian woman teachers give:

Lean in, girl. Find your joy, girl. Speak your truth, girl. Look for what makes you sparkle, girl. Your kids’ll be fine; you gotta do you, girl.

There is only one identity that will not fail us, or disappoint– and once it’s ours, it can not be changed and can never be pulled out from under us.

Our identity, hidden in Christ, as a child of the Almighty God– is secure. Author, Hannah Anderson wrote, “Your identity is found in His identity; and you will never know yourself, never be yourself, apart from Him.”

If you are a believer, if you are “in Christ”–

let’s remember who God says we are.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

~Galatians 2:20

Are you in Christ? Then this is describing you– you have been crucified. This is a past action that is true about you. It’s no longer YOU who live. Christ lives in you. The life you live is to be lived by faith in His perfect obedience, not your own.

This is tricky, because we still sin– even though Christ lives in us, there is no magic wand that instantaneously makes us Christlike. But as we walk in faith,

• the Holy Spirit guides us,
• leading us into all truth,
• growing us in discernment,
• forming us by the Word,
• and increasing our love for God.

And because we have been crucified with Christ, we are no longer enslaved to sin— meaning we no longer have to sin. We are freed from the intransigent grip of it. This is a result OF our salvation, rather than something that contributes TO it. We are able to turn away, and honor the Lord Jesus with our actions.

One more piece of identity knowledge is found here– (“the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.“) Paul tells not just who we are in Christ, but he tells us about our value: The Son of God loves you. He gave Himself for you.

And this is past tense– DONE. Your value is unchangeable.

You don’t have to get sucked into the vortex of questions like, “am I valuable? am I desirable? does anyone actually know and love me? Does this latest (sin/ weakness/ attitude/ accusation/ difficult relationship) make me less than?”

You are loved, desired, and worth sacrificing for, and you know these are true, and will remain true for your whole life, because God has already done them.

OUR QUESTIONS GET AN ANSWER WITHOUT US AT THE CENTER

Thinking back to part 1– the questions that our hearts ask, as humans and as women– our natural bent can be to see ourselves primarily through the lens of earthly roles and functions. 

But when our identity is in Christ (and not in our self/choices/abilities), all of our questions get their true answer-–

• Q: Am I worthy of being loved?
• A: I am loved— NOT based on me and my changing sense of acceptability, but because He is a God who lavishly, deeply, covenantally, sacrificially LOVES His children. This lasting love is based on One who will not change.

• Q: Will someone be my friend, despite my unreliability and failings?
• A: Yes I am befriended— by the faithful, never-failing Savior who gave Himself for me. This friendship is not dependent on my highs or lows. He knows everything about me, and there is nothing I can do to earn, or to lose, His eternal friendship.

• Q: Am I worthy of pursuit?
• A: Yes I have been pursued— Jesus left Heaven, came to earth, the cross, and the grave. He was raised up as the full proof of His promises. Because of His actions (not mine!), I can live with Him in eternity.

• Q: Am I valuable?
• A: Yes I am valuable— I was intricately made with a unique fingerprint, and a unique soul. There will never be someone else just like me. Made in God’s image, I am precious and dearly loved. 

• A: Do I have anything of value to offer?
• A: Yes— He has given me spiritual gifts and has specially created me in a way that uniquely reflects His character and can reveal His nature to people around me.

But our heart will also get answers that through an earthly lens, seem unsatisfying– like this:

• We might ask, of a man or a friend, will you complete me? Will you validate and cherish me?
• There is a man who will complete me and cherish me: Jesus. It might seem cheesy to say this, but Jesus is the ONLY one who will never disappoint us.
  If you are expecting this from a man, or from a friend, your expectations will CRUSH that person. Jesus is fully good, and trustworthy. Everything He does is right and dependable. He gives me everything that I need. He is the only person about whom this will be true in my life. 

• Will this be the love I’ve hoped and dreamed of?
• I have the love my heart hopes for and dreamed of— in the perfect Man Jesus Christ who gave Himself for me, always listens, always gives what is best, always cares for me, always provides for me, and never brings unnecessary hurt or suffering into my life. When I expect this from any other man, I am idolizing an earthly love that is impossible, and devaluing the exquisite love of Christ.

• Will someone celebrate my beauty and value and love me in all the ways I want to be loved?
• The answer is: In a way, yes. God loves us in ways we didn’t even know we needed. But in a way, no. Because He loves me He will not give a cheap me-focused “love.” I am not the center of the world, and being loved does not mean that I, or the passing desires or interests in my life, need to be unendingly celebrated. Jesus gave His life, and so we celebrate HIM and sing His renown, not the other way around. Our hearts long for glory and worship. The truth is: We were not created to be worshipped by men, but to be worshippers of the God-Man Jesus Christ. 

• Can I stay beautiful, even as I fight graying and gravity?
• No, I can not remain outwardly young and beautiful (according to the world’s Cosmo-style standards). BUT, in a vastly more important way – God says my beauty is much deeper than outward appearance. He calls me His beloved. Instead of focusing on my outside looks, He renews me inwardly. He makes me look more and more like His Son, Jesus, with each passing year. As my body begins to fade, droop, weaken, and decay, my inside is being renewed, so that I will shine brighter, be stronger, and have a increasingly beautiful SOUL.

Anne Ortlund’s “life verse” encouraged her along the road of life, especially through middle age, as she realized that (contrary to the message of the world) the path of a godly woman is a life that grows brighter and brighter until we reach Heaven:

the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, That shines brighter and brighter until the full day.

Proverbs 4:18

BUT WHAT ABOUT GLORYING IN MOTHERHOOD? THAT’S GODLY, RIGHT??!

When our identity is in motherhood, we will emphasize external appearances, and results, rather than truth in inward places, and simple faithfulness.

Our hopes will be in having the perfect labor, getting discipline right, choosing the “right” forms of schooling, childcare, and having the “right” convictions. As they age, our hopes will transfer from our shoulders (with the more controllable things like choices/plans) to a far less controllable set of shoulders: those of our children/teens/young adults.

• We essentially may ask our children, will you be my trophy child? Will you adopt all of my views and grow up to be amazing to prove to the world that everything I did was worth it?
• The answer is: No, I do not need trophy kids. You don’t need trophy kids. And your kids need NOT to be trophies. Only one child was perfect, and He grew up to be a Savior. God loves me too much to let me tie my identity and value to my children and how they turn out.
  
  We sin, and our children sin. Our children will all disappoint us in various ways. Some of them may utterly blow it. Our children will very likely not have the exact same view on the world that we did, and the way we know this is that we very likely do not view the world the exact same way our own parents do/did.
  

If we put the weight of our identity on our children’s shoulders, it will crush them and very likely ruin our relationship with them.

At times, especially when we find ourselves in the “middle of the story,” we might feel that none of our efforts were “worth it.” We can feel like an utter failure if we keep our eyes fixed on the current outcomes. The “gut punches” of motherhood are heart-wrenching, but they are common, because our children are humans.

But through these ups and downs of motherhood (similar to the fluctuations of our own whims/desires/strengths/weaknesses/interests), God is teaching us to place our hope in something stronger and better.

Motherhood is one beautiful way that God can bless and sanctify a woman. But God does not mean for us to derive our ultimate identity and value from the role of being a mother.

I don’t need self-glory and applause for each decision I make, each conviction I have, each thing I do, or things I won’t do.

I don’t need to be celebrated for days that go swimmingly, or flogged for days that are wretched.

I don’t need to be set up on a pedestal for the kids I raise who appear to turn out well, or treated with disdain and sidelining if I raise kids who seem unimpressive, go through seasons of wandering, or don’t immediately seem praiseworthy.

It is not ME who should be glorified or centered in my mothering.

It should be CHRIST.

When, as a mother, I’ve tried to be faithful with the goal of Christ’s glory, then the outcomes are HIS to sort out, and I can rest.

Because then, my identity is in Him and not in my kids, and not tied to how they turn out.

If I put my identity on them, we will all, definitely, eventually, crumble… but if my identity is in Him, He will not disappoint. Even if/when my kids do.

There is a real freedom in detaching our identity from the ups and downs of changeable things in this world.

THERE IS ONE SAFE PLACE FOR MY IDENTITY TO REST

As a woman, ABIDING IN CHRIST is the only place I can find real peace in my identity. In HIM, my heart can be at rest. 

In Christ, life has meaning.

The value of your life is not tied to how your son and daughter turn out. Or how your performance review comes out this year. Or if anyone buys your book. Or if you never even write a book. Or if your marriage, garden, hairstyle, wardrobe, wedding, home decor, dietary standards, dress size, labor and delivery experience, dating life, or home business, is everything you hoped it would be.

Your quest for identity will not be satisfied when it rests on these shaky and ever-changing “foundations”. To myself, and to you, I’m saying today:

your quest for identity will not rest until it settles on Jesus.

Part 3 next time; for now–

Grace and Peace,
Jess