13 Life-Preserving Ideas for Recovering From Spiritual Abuse

First:

• If you are suffering under spiritual abuse,
• or have recently left a spiritually abusive situation,

I want to encourage you– not minimize or question what you experienced.

For the purposes of this article, spiritual abuse is defined (by Got Questions) as:

To “abuse” is to use something or someone to bad effect or for a bad purpose, especially regularly or repeatedly. Spiritual abuse happens when a spiritual authority, such as a cult leader or abusive pastor, seeks to control individuals and ensure obedience.

…Spiritual abuse can occur when church or cult leaders misuse Scripture to bolster their own authority and keep their members under their thumb. For example, a spiritual authority may use Hebrews 13:17 (“Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority”) to demand blind loyalty and unthinking obedience. …Our loyalty is due Christ, the Head of the church (Ephesians 1:22), not a particular organization, church, or leader.

Cults and abusive churches pre-emptively insulate members from any information critical of the group. Members are taught early on to be skeptical of any negative report about the group…

The more committed to the abusive church a person becomes, the more isolated he becomes from non-members, and the more he fears punishment if he tries to leave. Some people, after a lifetime of emotional investment in a religious group, simply do not know how they could survive if they left. They have no friends other than their fellow church members. They may have cut off contact with family members… Such is their fear of being ostracized that many stay put, keeping their misgivings to themselves.

…Peter warned us that “there will be false teachers among you” (2 Peter 2:1). As he described these false teachers, Peter points to their propensity to abuse their followers: “In their greed these teachers will exploit you with fabricated stories” (verse 3)…

A pastor is to be a shepherd. Shepherds who abuse the flock can expect severe punishment when the Lord returns (Luke 12:46–48). With privilege comes responsibility, and those spiritual wolves who abuse their authority will have to answer to God for the harm they have done.

full article: https://www.gotquestions.org/spiritual-abuse.html

So that’s a good starting place to understand what spiritual abuse is.

To the Jesus-follower drowning inside of a church setting:

While I may reference my story, I offer each “Life-Preserving Thought” to buoy you with help and hope.

#1- WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IN FAITH.

Look for the road of faith. In our situation, my husband was convicted never to make a decision out of fear, worry, or stress. But the day that God opened his eyes to a path we could take in FAITH, we took our first step.

For us, faith sounded like:

• “God is able to fully provide GOOD for us, even away from this community we know.”
• “We believe God can work His will in this place.”
• “We can step away with our eyes fixed on God, rather than staying or going based on the wolves’ behavior.”
• “Jesus Christ is building and purifying His church, all around the globe, so we can trust that HE will give us a church family wherever He leads us.”
• “God can provide not only all that we need, but also all that our children need, wherever we go.”

Choose to walk in faith, rather than living in fear of wicked people or wicked behaviors.

#2- WALKING AWAY BRINGS A HIGH INITIAL COST

This may not feel very “life preserving,” but I share it to help you keep walking, even when your path leads through great pain and loss. When you first walk away from an abusive wolf-“shepherd” and/or abusive church community, it risks nearly everything:

• Loss of friends & community
• Loss of the feeling of normal
• Loss of your reputation
• Loss of religious habits & traditions
• Loss of relationships with some people you thought were godly
• Loss of confidence in your own judgement
• Loss of certainty/clarity about convictions and ideas that you learned about while under abuse
• and possible even the loss of feeling like things are “OK” between you and the Lord

You may be tempted to:

• fear that all is lost
• believe that nothing will ever feel normal again
• turn back toward the abusive person/situation

Looking at the momentary circumstances can feel debilitating. But knowing in advance that the costs will feel painfully high, especially in the beginning, can help you keep walking.

#3- READ & REMEMBER GOD’S DESCRIPTIONS OF SHEPHERDS & OF WOLVES

Read about what pastors & elders are supposed to be like:

• 1 Timothy 3:1-7
• Titus 1:5-9
• 1 Peter 5:1-4

(I like this simple chart that combines the lists into one.)

And read about what wolves, and bad shepherds, are like:

• Isaiah 56:10-11
• Ezekiel 34:1-10 <— insightful as to how God views abusive shepherds
• 2 Peter 2:1-3, 17-19
• Jude 12-13

As you read God’s descriptions of which behaviors are shepherd-like, and which are wolfish, the Holy Spirit will give clarity. You will see God’s heart toward spiritual abuse. Abusive behavior is not according to His ways.

Starting to see that the person you once regarded as a shepherd is actually a wolf that attacks and scatters sheep is difficult awakening. It will alter how you understand everything you saw and experienced, while you were under that leadership.

Seeing that the wolfish/abusive behavior is unrepentant sin can help you keep walking — in faith– toward health and peace.

#4- DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT FEELING SORROW, SADNESS, & GRIEF.

Mourning is a right and natural response to great loss. Though in some ways, going away from an abusive leader/group will feel like a wonderful rescue, in other ways it feels like you are in exile. You don’t have to beat yourself up about feeling sad about the ongoing, real losses you are experiencing.

Feel it. Process it. You don’t have to bury these things or ignore them.

It is not just OK– it is natural— to be sad about sad things, to feel angry about wrong things, and to grieve the loss of things and people you valued.

#5- IT WILL NOT ALWAYS HURT THIS BADLY.

One thing we learned is that while there is so much pain in the beginning, the joy of being rescued by God from the jaws of a wolf does, eventually, outshine much of the sorrow.

God will bring good.
God will heal.
God will transform your sorrows and show you how to use them to minister to others. (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)
God will bring light from what seems like cloudy darkness.

#6- WHILE YOU HEAL, FIND A FAITHFUL CHURCH WHERE YOU CAN CONSISTENTLY WORSHIP GOD IN RELATIVE ANONYMITY

As we healed, God gave us two wonderful churches where we were:
* fed with the Word of God each week
* able to worship and respond to God in honesty
* not immediately pressed into non-stop service

The first one was only for a few months, but in that place, God provided free counseling, while each week we were encouraged with the Gospel.

The second one is where we joined. These pastors loved and encouraged us, and allowed us to take time to heal without any pressure to jump in, teach, or take on roles of leadership or responsibility.

For me, it specifically looked like:

• dragging myself out of bed to attend, even on days I didn’t feel like it
• singing or listening to the sermon with tears streaming down my face
• letting lyrics and teaching touch my heart and remind me of God’s goodness, even while I was in deep pain.
• (I eventually made a video about this. CLICK HERE to watch.)

You don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t!) jump head first into a new congregation. But — in faith– regularly attend a church that faithfully teaches the Scripture and keep engaging honestly with the Lord– even if it initially brings tears or seems to inflame the pain.

#7- FIND WISE, SAFE, DISCREET PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THE SITUATION WITH WHOM YOU CAN FULLY SHARE

Accessing a biblical counselor, a godly friend who will tell you the truth, a discreet relative who is a good listener, or simply processing with a spouse or friend familiar with the circumstances– these are all possible ways to safely grow in understanding of what you’ve just walked through, and come out from.

Other people can provide you with a sense of what is healthy and normal. As you share, they can also reflect back to you the ungodliness and cruelty of what you’ve experienced. At this time when you are less apt to trust your own judgment, lean on the godly wisdom of others who can come alongside you and bolster you.

As you say what’s true about what you experienced, others will help you to call things by their right names.

The insights of others, alongside Scripture, can help you re-form your understanding of what is wicked, harmful, ungodly, and unhealthy, as well as what is actually good, and true, and beautiful, and worthy of praise.

#8- TAKE NOTE OF WHO STICKS BY YOU & RECEIVE THAT AS GOD’S MERCY.

While some of those who were part of your community may turn away, some may not.

{Note: There are some people who naturally “duck and cover” whenever conflict arises. These people may pull away, not because they seek to harm, but because they are seeking safety and peace. This is not who I mean.}

But if some reach out to you, show care for you, express concern, or in any way work to maintain an ongoing friendship with you, take note. Receive it as kindness from God that all is not lost.

#9- TAKE NOTE OF WHO ATTACKS YOU & GROW IN UNDERSTANDING & DISCERNMENT

As you walk away from an ungodly, unhealthy spiritual community, there may be some who attack, lie, gossip, condemn, accuse, and believe the worst.

When this happens, while it feels incredibly painful, you have been given an opportunity to:

• rejoice, because you are blessed! Matthew 6 says, “blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you, falsely, on my account. Rejoice, and be glad, for your reward is great in Heaven!” In God’s “economy,” He lifts up the humbled, and He brings down the lofty. We can rejoice when we are treated poorly for following Him.
• see in plain daylight. When everything is lurking in shadows, and the lights are off, it’s impossible to tell what’s what. But when daylight streams in through the windows, the forms of things become plain.
• recognize wolves with greater discernment. In future flocks, as you live among the people of God, you will more quickly recognize the sound and posture and smell of wolves.
• comfort others with the comfort that you have been given. As you walk this road of loss, God will give you great wisdom and comfort that, according to 2 Corinthians 1, He will use to help you encourage and comfort others through their own loss and abuse. In His wisdom, God gives His sheep similar experiences to one another, in order that we can help and serve and love one another and increasingly point one another toward Him.

While there is legitimate sorrow when others seek your harm, God can use these hurts to help us grow in understanding and discernment.

#10- GOD’S GRACE IS AVAILABLE TO YOU NO MATTER WHAT.

The God of the Bible is real, and His grace extends through all the earth:

“the eyes of the Lord roam throughout the earth to show himself strong for those who are wholeheartedly devoted to him.”

2 Chronicles 16:9

His grace and strength is not only available to you there, in that place where you’ve been mistreated. His grace will be there, wherever you go.

One threat we heard was, “you’ll never find a church community as good or special as this one.” It occurred to me, long after leaving, that that comment is not only a narcissistic statement, but it is also a God-less statement.

Don’t believe the lie that God’s grace was only available to you in THAT place. God’s grace is available to His children, no matter where we go in life. His mercies are new every morning. GREAT is His faithfulness. His mercies never come to an end.

#11- CLING TO GOD.

One temptation you may face is:

• to be “done with all of that.”
• to believe that stepping away from all church experiences will seal yourself off from the pain
• to diminish the importance of God, His Word, His people, His ways.

You may question God’s goodness, whether or not He is real, whether or not you are even saved, whether or not there is even the possibility of a healthy church on earth.

You may question if any of the things you were taught there in that place are true at all.

Regardless of the questions that assault you from the outside or from the inside, just keep clinging to the Lord Jesus Himself.

When you’re out in the raging sea, it does no good to question if real, dry, sturdy, usable land exists. It does. Keep clinging to the Lord and as you look to Him and to His Word, He will reveal to you what is true. Cling to Jesus and don’t be afraid.

As He washes your boat up onto a new shore, He will teach you and keep you.

#12- INCREASINGLY, TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THE REARVIEW MIRROR.

It is normal that we look backwards, in order to learn. ESPECIALLY when you have been spiritually abused in ways like:

• exploited/used for selfish gain,
• treated as essential, and then discarded with contempt,
• repeatedly lied to,
• publicly lied about,
• used as a pawn,
• gossiped about…

it is only natural to look backwards and try to process what in the world happened!

In fact, that is the way of wisdom. To examine the process that got you HERE is part of the path of learning how to (Lord willing) avoid being exploited and abused like this ever again.

So, definitely: process in the ways that you need to. But over time, work to decrease the time and space that old place/abuser occupies in your mind and conversations.

#13- TRUST THAT GOD WILL USE IT ALL FOR GOOD

It can feel impossible– you’ve been through so much. It’s taken so much out of you, and perhaps cost you all that you had. I bet Joseph felt that way when he was in the pit. But God was advancing His bigger plans.

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

Genesis 50:20

God brings beauty from ashes, and makes good from even great wickedness.

Keep walking, Child of God. You are beloved, and He is good. He’ll keep providing for you, and He’ll do it in ways you can’t even imagine.