One of the realities of my life right now is that there is a dividing line that happens in almost every first/intro conversation I have with people (and this last year has included a lot of those)…
- The normally-progressing conversation that happens before…
- and then the shift that comes after…
… people find out I have nine kids.
I’m telling you, if you are the mother of nine kids, whether you want it to or not, the topic will dominate a good portion of any “intro” convo you’re going to have with folks.
Here’s the way my side of the conversation sounds, almost every time, whether it’s with a new person I’m meeting at church, or the grocery clerk:
“Yes, (smile) nine.”
“Seventeen and a half down to one and a half.”
“Only one girl. She’s the 13 year old.”
“Yes, she’s the third.”
“Yeah.” (my response to their observation, which is almost certainly one of two things: “well, she’ll have a lot of protectors.” or, “well, she’ll probably be tough”)
“Yes we homeschool them.”
“No, none are adopted.”
“Yup, I delivered each one.”
“No, no twins.”
“No, we didn’t always think we’d have this many.”
“Well, honestly, I don’t know how I do it either, but God helps me.”
It used to annoy me. And it still does a little, but mostly, this is just my life, and I’ve come to accept it.
There is a small slice of me that likes when I get away with not spilling that whole sack of beans the very first time I meet someone. Because those are the times when I just get to be plain old me. Rather than people immediately inwardly jumping to some combination of:
“impressive, homeschooling, wonder-birthing, pregnant-barefoot-and-in-the-kitchen, godly, probably-an-amazing-housekeeper, was-she-raised-Amish?, probably-never-struggles-with-anger, is-it-possible-she’s-Mormon?, impossibly-patient, uneducated, otherkins”
they just talk to me. They interact with me like a normal person rather than fixating on one quality about me.
It’s rare, but nice, when that happens.
Certain traits carry with them other implications, don’t they?
I mean, if you were an American male in your late teens or early 20s who stood near seven feet tall, it seems very likely that nearly everyone you met would fixate on your height, and ask you if you play one particular sport, right? (basketball)
And it’s been my observation that being a homeschooling mom of 9 can immediately imply other things in people’s minds:
- my beliefs about birth control, schooling, vaccinations, working moms
- that I probably did not go to college and never had a career
- that I have not done anything interesting in my life
- that I might have quirky/unorthodox religious beliefs (Catholic? Mormon? quiverful?)
- that I have beliefs about what other people should do with their family size
and people treat me thus, and perhaps expect me to treat them accordingly.
Declaration of My Value As a Homeschooling Mom
But like that beautiful new hymn that declares, “My Worth Is Not In What I Own,” I’m at a juncture–
- 40 years old
- with nearly-adult children
- in a new community
- starting to write again
where I want to declare:
My worth is not in homeschooling,
In circs, vaccines, or home birthing.
Not grains-, nuts-, dyes-, or gluten-free–
Christ in me.My worth is not in having nine,
Not exercise, or home design.
But in the work done by my King,
At the Cross.My worth is not in good advice,
Nor keeping my brood looking nice.
The grace of Christ is what I need,
from the Cross.
I will not boast in Bible time,
Not choices, deeds, nor skills of mine,
In Christ alone comes grace and peace,
from the cross!My worth is not in what I do.
(final 2 lines from the Getty’s song. The rest, from my heart.)
Not in my clothing, hair, or shoes.
My value fixed, my ransom paid–
at the Cross.
In all that I write here, and articles I share across social media, and advice I offer from time to time… I want the banner above it all to read:
God has been merciful to me– a sinner.
- Not because I make all the “right” choices.
- Not because I have accomplished XYZ, or not done LMNOP.
- Not because I live according to carefully-parsed-out rules.
- Not because I have a bunch of kids, or breastfeed in a particular way, or educate my kids in this/that way.
Any such message, that would highlight my human effort or decision-making, is building on a faulty foundation– and runs contrary to the message of the Gospel.
Let’s not affix our value, identity, and hope on anything other than Jesus. No matter the size and shape of our family, no matter your convictions, or life decisions, He is good, and we can trust Him. It’s true for you, true for me, and true for every human.
He is gracious because He is gracious.
He saves because He is a Savior.
He offers steadfast love and kindness because He is kind and loving.
What a great God, that He would love and save all manner of humans, including even weak and weary homeschooling moms like me.
Grace and Peace,
Jess
Well said. After 23 years of homeschooling, my identity in and love for Christ is stronger than before. He is faithful.
Very well written. So true.
Mom
O my gosh Jess, yes, yes, yes!! I hear you. ❤
Only homeschooling 20 years, but also a mom of nine. I never volunteer the number of kids I have, so it never even seems to dominate the conversation. 😁
But I totally get the assumptions…. it seems any SAHM “never went to college” no matter how many kids she has. It used to annoy me, but I’ve had to remind myself that my worth is NOT in my college degrees.
Hi Heather. Yes, I often do not volunteer it, but maybe people just ask me a lot?
Like you said– my worth is not based on whether anyone else acknowledges it, or knows the facets of my history or personhood. And honestly, then, with that perspective, I can cultivate a heart that welcomes even the times when I am “slighted” because God uses those experiences to show me where my fixed value actually comes from: Him!
Ok YES! Yes yes, most definitely yes!
But my question is: where DO our efforts, choices, convictions come in? I don’t want to diminish our need for christ or his all encompassing grace and provision.. at all. But also, aren’t we called to be wise and discerning? Isn’t it so important that we’re intentional and thoughtful and faithful? This has been a regular question for me lately. Because I really do think it matters… A lot!.. what we do. Basically, my question is where and how does wisdom fit in?
Yes. Good question, Karyn!
None of this means that our choices don’t matter. Even if we take it into the non-ethical/impersonal realm of choosing a $12 purse from a thrift store that has one season’s use left in it, vs. a $98 purse from a “name brand” trendy shop that will dependably last 3-6 years, the choice we make matters to some degree. So even in that case, it will affect us, affect our lives, what we are able to do with our chosen bag, etc.
But then, certainly, how much more do the soul-impacting and relationship-impacting choices we make as parents matter? Well, plenty!!
So:
* We pray about them– We ask God for WISDOM & insight.
* We seek God’s Word for clarity, practical guidance, and general principles.
* We ask people who truly LOVE Him for counsel.
* We watch other people’s lives and grow in discernment and wisdom.
* We count the cost– what will happen if we DO X, if we DON’T do X. What are the risks? What are the benefits? What choice(s) might we regret and why? Which thing can we sustainably do, faithfully, over weeks or years or decades? What commitment level is required for doing X?
* Etc.
And each choice we make definitely echoes out into the future. (From Scripture, the sowing/reaping principle applies, as well as the “building a barn/considering the cost” principle.) I’m definitely VERY aware now, with Gus (my youngest), how long “17 more years” is… since my oldest IS 17. I *get* the seriousness of that time commitment (of having a new baby), in a way I had no capacity to really understand when I took it on the very first time, when we had our first baby in 2002.
So yes, our choices matter. Being intentional and faithful matters. We SHOULD seek to be faithful and wise. But not as our righteousness. Not with our choices tied to our righteousness, and not with our choices leading us to believe (whether we admit it or not) that we think we deserve a wonderful outcome because we chose X.
That (believing that because we DID X, we DESERVE Y) is formulaic and ultimately legalistic thinking. In parenting, we are not guaranteed outcomes, because we are working in the realm of sinful human beings who can (and often do) choose all manner of things that they ought not choose. I’m at this stage of parenting where I’m very aware that my kids are nearing the time when they will get to start making big decisions. Big decisions that will affect them (like this whole comment describes) for decades-long ways, but also small decisions that may or may not honor the Lord. THOSE decisions are not my responsibility. BUT I will still care about them, pray about them, counsel when asked, and of course sometimes be affected by them.
It’s hard. But none of it will be beyond the reach of God’s grace. And it’s really what the whole enchilada depends on.
God’s grace, at work in us, at work in them, at work in the mess… as He has always done.
He is so faithful. And when I focus on that, I am able to cheerfully walk in the ways that He leads, with my heart at rest.
When I focus on my doing, it produces anxious churning in my heart and chaos in my relationships. Because when I believe that it all depends on my DOING, then I am tempted to perpetually defend every decision I ever made, and point to it as righteous and always good. But the truth about me is that I am never 100% and 100% good except in Christ. My DOINGS may be used by God to do great things in His big plan, but my doings are not my righteousness and I am not justified in my doings. This frees me from the performance-based trap of personal righteousness by doing.
Instead, I get my righteousness always and only from Christ, and I am free to seek Him, listen to His Spirit, look to His Word, listen to His people, and operate in discernment and wisdom as best as I am able, knowing that He will lead and guide us in an ongoing process of sanctification throughout my life. He is GOOD and He is the Good Shepherd, and He is faithful to lead us in ways that are good.
Does that help? More thoughts?
Yes!! Thank you for sharing your heart. I only have 4 kids, but even still, when I go to work (I’m a nurse), in making small talk, my patients inevitably ask me if I have any kids. Then I really do have the same kind of conversation over and over again that involves explaining that yes, I look too young to have an 11 year old, but I was married at 19 so it makes sense (I’m 31), yes, we love kids, we homeschool two of them, yes it’s hard, and yes, I’m probably crazy, but we’d always desired a big family. Yes, we finally had a girl, and yes (like you mentioned), she’ll have alot of protectors”…etc.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one! I’ll think of this post the next time the topic comes up. 🙂
Also, that is one of my favorite songs too. I love how you applied it to our identity as Christian mothers.
I only have three, but living in a country where two is the limit, I go through the same conversation (very similar to yours) many times as well. And I know that as more treasures come along (Lord willing) that will only increase the comments and questions.
I’m going to have to look up the words to that song, and I think I’ll copy your version out to stick on my fridge. Thank you! Such a good and needed reminder.
I am also a 39 year old homeschooling mother of nine children 16 and under. I really enjoyed reading this! I relate to all you said❤️. Thank you!