Q: “I need some serious advice here. My daughter is 9 years old but ever since she was very young like four years old, she has been very discontent.
Nothing we try ever seems to make her happy. It’s like nothing is ever good enough. She takes little interest in any kind of extracurricular activity. She is not very interested or involved with church. She goes because we make her but we can’t make her like it. She gives little attention to her academics.
We have to force her to spend time with the family. The only thing she seems to enjoy is being over at her grandparents house where she can play with all of the neighborhood kids. She wants to be over there constantly and when I tell her no she will nag and manipulate and pout to try to get her way. I just feel like she is headed down a very dangerous path and need some ideas for how I could change this”
Since you’re asking, I would pull her very very close. In our home, you don’t get privileges of outside time with others and preferred activities if you’re not acting rightly inside the home.
This statement here concerns me: “she will not take no for an answer without being downright awful to be around. ” To me, this sounds like she is playing you like a fiddle.
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She barely puts forth any effort to obey, honor, respect, be a productive member of the family, etc., and yet she is being rewarded with the things she wants and punishes YOU if you don’t give it to her.
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You are right that this is setting her up for terrible things down the road. Reread the paragraph between the stars and imagine her being a wife with the character traits listed. Or a mother. Or an employee, neighbor, or simply a fellow-citizen.
No matter what, these are terrible qualities for her to be growing in.
So in our home what this would mean is (and what it HAS meant for one of our children, once), is that everything outside would be completely removed from her life. At church, by our side. At home, by our side. On weekends, working/living alongside us, etc., until and unless we saw a LONG STEADY SEASON of faithfulness and contentment in the ordinary things. THEN, a slow (months/half-year long) release back into the other things, depending on her attitude and ability to reenter home life with a willing, reasonably-pleasant attitude.
YES, this will cause a major fracas. YES it will be difficult. YES she will kick and scream and it will (initially) cause things to be MORE difficult, not less, for you for a time. But in the end it will produce peace and joy in her life.
This passage from Hebrews 12 is particularly encouraging for me as a parent in times like this:
“5 have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
Hebrews 12:5-11
nor be weary when reproved by him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Especially meditate on verse 11.
“For the moment, ALL discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later (!!!) it yields the PEACEFUL fruit of RIGHTEOUSNESS to those who have been TRAINED by it.”
Discipline will– by definition– seem painful. It takes a season of training. It does not (in the moment) seem to produce fruit… but LATER it yields the fruits of peace and righteousness.
This is our job as mothers (and fathers). It’s a hard job. It may be thankless and horrible for a time, but in the end faithful discipline (productive pain alongside teaching and training) will produce peace and righteous living in the lives of those who have been trained by it. It is worth it!
Don’t lose heart and don’t give in to the faithless, undisciplined spirit of this age.
This is why you have been made her mother.
God has given you the vantage point of seeing these things IN her, and has not left you without the ability to do something about it– in fact, He has sovereignly given you the responsibility TO do something about it.
Namely, discipline her (which means, ongoing training and teaching and coaching). Train her in what is right. Draw out her heart, help her with greater and greater clarity and self-awareness to identify the sins and idols lurking there, and discipline her from the outside to help constrain her toward right living, while pointing her to the Savior who can change her from the inside.
And one more always-true piece of good news: God will help you! He will help you through each and every hurdle of parenting her, and He is able and willing to help her as she looks to Him and not herself.
Grace and Peace,
Jess
Very timely post for me! We have a six-year-old who has had a similar attitude her entire life. She is always the one with the problem that no one can fix, she always has a complaint, she always has a reason she can’t enjoy something. It has always been hard for our family, but it is particularly frustrating around the holiday season, when we so much desire joy in our home. We absolutely do not tolerate or give in to her demands, but I often feel like she monopolizes our time because we spend so much time disciplining her. For instance, we might be on a family walk and she complains that she has an itchy spot on her leg. We tell her there’s nothing we can do, so just try to enjoy the walk and we will get her cream when we return home. But she will spend an hour whining and complaining about it, enduring spanking after spanking, refusing to give up. No matter what we do to discipline her for disobeying, the next words out of her mouth will be, “But it itches!” So instead of enjoying a walk talking about the birds and flowers, we spend an entire walk disciplining her. I’d love any advice for that type of situation. Her refusal to actually enjoy anything—a meal, a craft, a car ride, etc— feels like such a drain on our family!
I have a 4 year old that does similar things at times. She has sensory issues and will scream and cry after getting out of the bathtub because her bottom feels “sticky” and no amount of drying it or powdering it helps. The best thing I’ve found to do is let her cry it out a while then I pick her up and snuggle with her and tell her it’s going to be okay. This actually does wonders. It’s like she cannot process how to handle it and she just needs comfort. She usually calms down right away when I do this. I don’t want to reward the behavior but I honestly think she needs help to calm down. I’ve tried other things-spanking,trying to get her mind on other things, but it only makes it worse. Hope this helps.
Lisa, thanks for taking the time to reply! I’m glad you figured out what helps with your daughter. For mine, though, we have seen that commiserating/comforting is not a productive course of action. She Lisa, thanks for taking the time to reply! I’m glad you figured out what helps with your daughter. For mine, though, we have seen that commiserating/comforting is not a productive course of action. She is only too eager to make a bump on the knee into five-day pity party if anyone would humor her.
I will add that my child is different from the other questioner in that she is actually excited to do things— she wants to take a walk, do the craft, etc. It’s just that when we actually do it, there is immediately something that will keep her from enjoying it.
It sounds like I would be apt to handle it as you have.
Stick with it. Perhaps could be useful to acquaint her with the idea of the “two lists”…. “there are always two lists to focus on: (1) all the bad things happening/feeling/thinking about/going wrong, or (2) all the wonderful things happening/feeling/thinking about/wondering about/going right. And you get to pick which list you focus on. If your focus is on the first list you will tend toward these sorts of feelings: (list them out, grumpiness, emotionalism, anger, self-pity, irritation, a critical heart, sadness), and if your focus is on the 2nd list you’ll get these sorts of feelings (gratitude, wonder, joy, peace, satisfaction)”
At 6 it’s going to be a lot of repetition: identifying and training and even supplying possible thoughts/what to focus on.
This may be an in-built tendency she fights all her life, however: with your help, she may leave your home better-equipped at knowing her own heart, recognizing her internal choices, and combatting wrong thinking inside her heart and mind. We can’t make our children sinless, but we can help them to know their own hearts and tendencies. Their sin is still theirs; they will still have to take responsibility and fight, but we can help equip them for the battle with effective tools and with the ability to see the actual fight.
The only other idea that I did not see listed is that I might, for a time, instruct her that she’s not allowed to talk at all. I would work not to allow her to ruin our family times, and to give her specific words or ideas for how she can participate, or what choices would make it so that she has to be quiet for the rest of the event.
Haha I keep having more thoughts.
For my apt-to-be-grumpy children, I have regularly made them list out 3-5 things they’re thankful for, in the moments when they’re apt to complain. It’s a good exercise for all of us but especially when we’re complaining/grumpy.
Thanks Jess! It is encouraging to hear that we are on the right track. I like the idea of not allowing her to talk at all, as a kind of functional isolation. One of the strategies we use at home when she is persistent with her bad attitude is to isolate her for at least a solid hour. Almost always at the end she is ready to cuddle up and have a great heart to heart conversation. Since we can’t always do that while we’re out, the silence rule might be a good strategy.
This is so helpful Jess!!
As you clamp down on outside activities,absolutely focus on her heart and spending time talking through why she is not happy. Kids need to be heard and have time to express what’s in their heart in an appropriate manner. Then you can lead her in how she needs to submit to letting God change her heart attitudes. Spend time praying together and encourage her when you see any improvement, no matter how small! Why does she desire to go to the grandparents house? Is she getting time with friends at home? Ask her and let her know you value her thoughts but she also needs firm boundaries on unacceptable behaviors and attitudes. Also ask the Lord to show you any negative attitudes in your heart. I have had to deal with a lot of negativity from my 11 year old son and I have had to apologize for my negative attitudes contributing to the problem. I hope this helps. Jessica is wonderful and I’m so happy you are asking out such godly counsel.
Excellent counsel.
Also, lots and lots of prayers for her and with her. Speak God’s word over her and encourage her with your words where appropriate. Be firm but pleasant continually sowing God’s word into your own life and checking yourself for sinful attitudes. 🙏
I have a 9 year old son who is so much like this too. It’s really overwhelming some days. He is very easily irritated, has a low tolerance for frustration of any kind, and is extremely impulsive and sometimes aggressive. Often these behaviors surface when he’s over stimulated. Last year, we had him professionally evaluated because we suspected ADHD and/or sensory issues and basically needed someone outside of the situation to help us to better understand what was going on. That said, we also sought counsel from older and wiser believers who have walked through parenting and raised godly children (which is SO important). In our son’s case, the professional evaluation led to an ADHD diagnosis and the counsel we received from older believers ultimately led us to a season of more focused parenting with him, which has included many of the same things Jess mentioned above. We also pulled him out of public school (he couldn’t behave there) and have focused more effort on giving him the gospel over and over again as we strive to love our challenging child even as Christ loved us.
I don’t know the young lady mentioned in the question, but my own experience with raising this son (and another who has Asperger’s) is that some kids have not only sin patterns informing their behaviors, but also at the same time, neurodevelopmental issues that feed into those behaviors. I don’t know enough about this mother’s daughter to conclude that is the case, but maybe it’s worth considering the possibility, and if so, getting help with understanding that. While we have never chosen the medication route for our kids, the parent education we’ve gotten through the process has been incredibly helpful to us.
One way or the other, if the mom who submitted the question is reading this, I would want to say that you probably have a much better idea of what is going on beneath the surface with your daughter than I do, but if you do feel like there’s something more to her behavior, it’s helpful to educate yourself, talk to your husband (hugely important), ask your pediatrician, and seek counsel from older saints who have walked this road. Also, I would add that just because a kid has developmental reasons for their behavior doesn’t mean they aren’t also sinning and certainly doesn’t mean they don’t need discipline. At the same time, my experience has been that knowing where the behavior is coming from has helped me not to react in anger so much when their behavior is not what I expect it to be for their ages. It has helped me to persevere, I guess.
I have more thoughts too, but not the time to share them all.
For that reason, I’ll stop here, but I’ll pray that the Lord leads you to wisdom and help with your daughter.
Just another thought, is she getting enough sleep? Is she eating a nutrient-dense diet? Is she exposed to a high level of harmful chemicals? These sorts of things can have an impact on behaviour.