“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her…”
In the human heart there is a desire to be blessed, to be loved, and to feel special…
As moms, we long for what we do to really MATTER and be NOTICED. Especially in this modern age, moms are desperate for notice.
We know…
- if I had a JOB, I would be pulling a paycheck. I would have a more-socially-respected answer to the question, “what do you DO?”
- if I had a DEGREE, I would have a title. I would be Dr. Jess, or “Jess, RN,” or “Professor Connell”
But when we are “just a mom,” no one pays us. Very few notice or respect the answer, “I’m a stay-home mom to my kids.” No one refers to us with a title. Almost no one gives kudos for all the learning and work we’ve done and are doing.
In the time when we are doing the hardest work we’ve ever done, the resume has a blank space.
No one notices when you put in extra hours this week to tackle a special project (i.e., potty training, dealing with tantrums, starting your baby on solids, dealing with mastitis, managing a home ravaged by a stomach virus, etc). As a mom, there’s no annual job review with a built-in bonus structure, no additional vacation time earned after X number of years, no promotion because we’re doing a particularly excellent job.
So if we aren’t careful, our heart will grasp.
We may grasp for:
- notice
- me-time
- other (outside) affirmation (i.e., “I run this mom’s group;” “I lead this study;” “I’m in charge of this community group.” “I speak at mom’s groups.” “I’ve got this side-hustle.”)
- some measure of financial control (home businesses, joining an MLM and building a “downline,” being a couponing guru, becoming the go-to bargain queen)
- praise from those we love.
It’s this last one I want to address, because it can be subtle, but insidious.
Mama, if your heart is grasping for praise, I want to tell you something true:
THE PRAISE OF HUMANS WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR YOU.
If this is you, and you long for people to just sit up and NOTICE:
- what a good job you’re doing,
- what a purposeful approach you have to mothering,
- how clever your children are,
- what a wonderfully-behaved child you have,
- what a clean home you have,
- how you run a tight ship,
- how you save your family money and make your budget work,
- how you only follow certain parenting patterns and not others,
- how your kids have turned out,
I want to gently tell you, partly from my own experiences and partly from watching others fall prey to this as well– EVEN IF THEY DO notice, it will never be enough for you.
It may at first feel good (“SOMEONE has ****FINALLY**** noticed!!!! MY!!!! super-costly!! sacrifices!!!!”).
But if praise is what you crave, the praise you get will ultimately work to your downfall.
The praise of people will fall flat, over time. You will only crave more. You will desire for it to be seen MORE publicly, said MORE loudly, MORE often. You will clamor for it, and your heart will demand it.
And what is said will not be enough for you.
The only way praise really works is if it’s in the model of Proverbs 31: other people rising up to bless you, of their own accord.
When it’s done this way,
- they are offering it from the overflow of their hearts
- you’ll know it’s genuine
- you can receive it as an extra encouragement, without it being pivotal to your identity
LIVE FOR THE PRAISE OF ONE
Ultimately as moms, our hearts’ desire should be for CHRIST to receive the glory and thanks and praise for His work in our children’s lives. If our children find reason to thank us, or offer their blessing to us for our work, what a gift to us!
But ultimately, even if we don’t get it, we can find joy and rest in our souls when we rest in the praiseworthiness of God.
Cause here’s the truth:
I don’t deserve praise. ANY good thing I have done– as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, as a woman– is only because of HIS grace in my life. Not because I’m an American, had this particular economic background, or was raised in this/that denomination, or this/that home, or this/that school… NO! ANY good thing I have done has been by His grace at work in my life.
And the same is and will be true of my kids. They don’t OWE me. I am not “the reason for their success.” (Or, conversely, for their failures.)
Christ is faithful. He creates. He decides the times and boundaries of our dwelling on earth. He gives grace upon grace. He planned good works for us to do, in advance, before we were even twinkles in our parents’ eyes. He gives us the abilities we have to DO the things we do. He finishes every work that He starts.
He is the one who is faithful.
Not you, mama.
Not me.
When I recognize this… deeply take it to heart…
- I am free to delight in the praise of God,
- I am free to receive the “rising up blessings” of my children without it defining me.
- I am free to receive hard truths from my children without despairing.
- I am free to hear even lies/poorly-remembered half-truths without it defining me.
- I am free to have good days and bad days.
- I am free to be needy and not enough.
Because I know HE is enough.
He uses all things– my *best* human sacrifices, as well as my crappiest mom day– to work and to will for His glory and grace to show up in our lives.
And when I concern myself with HIS praise, rather than my own, my heart can be at rest.
I can LONG for His praise to be multiplied in my life… and know it will be accomplished. Unlike the idol of personal affirmation, THIS (Christ’s praise)– is an eternally-attainable goal for any mom.
IN THE COMMENTS:
Will you share, so we all can learn together– how do you fight living for the praise and notice of others? ESPECIALLY in this social-media-how-many-likes-did-that-get culture?
This is so great and so important! Three years ago I was struggling with post partum depression and I had to really investigate what was going on in my heart. One of the things I rooted out was that if I posted on social media on any given day, I’d become consumed with the responses and those would be my source of affirmation for the day. But if I didn’t post, I was very content to look to the Lord. It was that easy! So I haven’t posted in years and it has done wonders for my contentment level in my roles of wife and mom. I also took the route that you mentioned awhile back and unfollowed everyone. That has made it so much more likely that I will feed myself a steady diet of scripture and good books rather than what the world deems important.
I had a good career before I had our 7 children. My husband is super successful and I find sometimes that I envy my own husband because he gets so many accolades (and enormous stress at times). It’s been a real work in my heart to try and turn this part of my life over to God. I was raised to believe what you do is who you are. So to be in a role where the fruit of my labor may or may not show up years down the road. Every time we go out in public I have to fight my pride if my kids aren’t perfectly behaved (which they never are!) It has been THE challenge in my mom life. I do believe this is what God wants me to do, but i’ll be honest . . . sometimes I look at what other women are doing and wonder if what I’m doing is enough. I don’t have time for the side hustle or the blogging or any of that because the majority of the parenting falls on me a lot of the year. So this whole self-care movement that is so popular can sting, because there is very little extra time. And I do spend quite a bit of time trying to raise my kids to become good adults, I don’t leave it to chance. Maybe I make it too hard. Thanks for writing on a topic that is very relevant!
This is so perfect after I just sat down from scrubbing up stomach virus aftermath that has been “ravaging” our household! It was on the heels of a day where the Chemistry was absolutely overwhelming and some attitudes were so far from Christlike today. I came here for encouragement and I had to smile because I got just that. Thank you, Jess!
Great article!
As one commenter above, social media was a huge tripping point for me. I realized that every time I posted, it was because I was seeking praise from others. It was one of the many reasons why I deleted my account and have never regretted it.
One odd place from which I instinctively seek affirmation is our family’s extracurricular activities. Even though I have completely – on a mental level – rejected the idea that families need to be crazy-busy, I feel a huge load of guilt over NOT having the kids in a ton of extracurriculars. This fall, we ended up completely overloading ourselves with (thankfully temporary) extracurriculars, but the weird thing was that even though I was totally stressed out, I felt an odd sense of “I’m finally doing what I should be doing” – even though I know that that is wrong. It’s one of the places where the culture has a ridiculous amount of hold on my mind, and I have to fight against that form of false affirmation.
Great post – thanks!